deadly: sloth

sloth

by >>Jae

"C'mere."

"Justin, I can't --"

"I said, come here. No, here. Here."

"Okay, all right. I'm here. No, wait. What -- Justin, I just got up like two hours ago."

"What an interesting anecdote. Thank you for sharing that. Now get your ass on the bed."

"All right, fine, but it's gonna have to be a quickie because I --"

"What are you doing?"

"Now that question's just stupid."

"Leave your clothes on."

"But you've got yours off. Oh. Oh, I see how it's going to be. You just lie there and I do all the work. All right, fine, Timberlake, but you're gonna owe me --"

"Stop. Quit it. Just lie there. There's not going to be any work."

"Oh. Okay. Just -- lie here?"

"Yeah."

"Justin?"

"Yeah."

"What are we doing?"

"Nothing."

"Ooookay. Um, how long do you think we'll be doing it?"

"Till we're done."

"Right. Of course. And when do you think that might be? I mean, approximately."

"Well, the sooner you start, the sooner we'll be done."

"What do you mean? I'm doing it. I'm lying here doing nothing."

"No, you're not. You're scheduling, and you're pissing me off, but you're not doing nothing."

"All right, all right, I'm sorry. Fine. I'll just lie here and do nothing. Just because you want to, because hey, I'm nice like that. Considerate. If you want something, then I'll do my best to -- ow!"

"I told you to quit that."

"What? I'm doing nothing, just like you told me."

"Your hand on my dick is not nothing."

"I'm glad to hear that, at least. I was starting to think I was losing my touch. If that didn't --"

"Lance."

"What?"

"Your hand's on my dick again."

"Huh. So it is."

"Move it."

"All right, all right. Seriously, J, we're not gonna fool around even a little bit? We're just going to do nothing? Nothing at all?"

"Now you're getting it."

"What about -- oh, you'd know what it's called, when you have sex for like eight hours at a time and you hardly move at all? We could do that. I mean, for all intents and purposes, that's doing nothing. Practically nothing. But it's also sex. So everybody wins."

"Tantric sex?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean."

"Tantric sex kind of creeps me out."

"Is it that book JC had? Because that was kind of freaky, but I think it was just --"

"No, no. It's the Sting thing."

"What Sting thing?"

"I saw some thing on TV about how he can have tantric sex for, like, fifteen hours at a time. And he does it all the time. And it just creeped me out. Because first of all, it's like, Sting."

"Don't let JC hear you say that."

"Don't get me wrong, he's a great artist and all, and the rainforest thing -- I totally respect that. But, I mean, he's like fifty years old or something, and he's really kept it together and all, but still. And his girlfriend -- actually, I think they might be married now but they weren't, not for a long time, but anyway, I mean, she's really great too, and you know, no disrespect at all, but it's just. That's not such a great mental image to have."

"You know, I'd never thought about Sting and his girlfriend --"

"I really think they're married. I think I saw pictures in People. She rode a horse."

"I'd never thought about Sting and Mrs. Sting having tantric sex before. Or any other kind of sex, really. But now that image is burnt into my brain. Thank you so much for that."

"That's not even the worst part."

"I don't think I really need to --"

"Because I watched the show about it with Chris, and he was all creeped out by it too, and for like weeks afterwards he'd sneak up behind me and say, 'Somewhere Sting is having sex right now,' and I'd jump like two feet."

"Well, I can see why."

"Cause, you know, it's true! I mean, if he has sex for like fifteen hours a day, then pretty much the odds are he's having sex right now. Somewhere."

"He can't have sex for fifteen hours a day --"

"It said! On the show."

"I don't care, I don't think anyone can --"

"Look, did you see the show?"

"No --"

"I didn't want to believe it either, but I saw it. I mean, the show, not him having tantric sex."

"Justin?"

"Yeah."

"What are we doing?"

"What did I say we were going to do?"

"Nothing."

"There you go."

"Justin?"

"Yeah."

"Why are we doing this?"

"It's what everybody does."

"Okay, you lost me. Everybody lies around on their beds and talks about Sting's sex life?"

"Sure."

"I don't -- Justin, I just don't think that's true."

"Well, you wouldn't know."

"Why wouldn't I know?"

"Because you never do this. You never just lie around and have a lazy Sunday morning like everybody else in the world."

"Everybody in the world does not do this every Sunday morning."

"Do too."

"They do not. I know for a fact that some people -- lots of people -- do not lie around Sunday mornings talking about celebrities' sex lives. You know who doesn't? My parents, for two. Your parents --"

"You don't know."

"The pope. The pope does not lie around Sunday mornings talking about how long Sting can have sex for."

"Okay, Lance, you're right. I give you that. The pope does not lie in bed Sunday mornings talking about Sting's sex life. And when you're the big gay pope, you won't have to either. But until then, quit whining, lie there and start speculating on how Sting keeps it up."

"I was just saying --"

"I know. I heard you. You win."

"What do I win?"

"A long, lazy Sunday morning full of nothing."

"Fabulous."

"It is."

"Justin?"

"Yeah."

"You're sure you don't want to have sex -- just a little?"

"Okay."

"What?"

"I said okay. If you're not going to shut up about it, all right. We can do it."

"You know, I knew it. I knew with this whole nothing thing, you were just fucking with me. Or, I mean, not fucking with me, in preparation for fucking with me. Well, you know what I mean."

"Lance."

"Shh. Just let me --"

"Lance."

"You like that?"

"Lance."

"Yeah, baby?"

"Somewhere Sting is having sex right now."

"Oh, Christ! Ew. Goddamnit, Justin. You did that on purpose."

"He's on like hour thirteen."

"Shut up! And stop laughing, you little bitch."

"It's true! He is."

"Shut up. God, I can't believe you said that. It's like the anti-aphrodisiac."