There were times Lance surprised himself. His reserve would crumble and he would find himself suddenly, eerily free. Detached from everything around him, or maybe more in touch with reality than ever before; he would throw himself with abandon into what he craved. He would succumb to what he fought off in the bright, sane, light of day.

It was usually when he was on the brink of exhaustion, toward the end of tours, or when he had been up multiple nights trying to take care of all of his businesses or when he was sick and still working and trying to do it all. It was then that he would turn and see Joey and forget.

Lance's guard against his darkest desires would suddenly collapse and he would forget the promises he had made himself. He would overlook the arguments he had rehearsed for so long that they were as familiar as any dance step he had been performing for the last 6 years. His insistence that it wouldn't happen again, that he was stronger than any carnal want or that his soul was not worth one night of passion would be forgotten. It was then that he would find himself groaning, inarticulate with need, arms and hands clutching Joey desperately.

Joey, for his part, would gasp in surprise through the first kisses, his face and eyes lighting up with delight as he tried to catch up with Lance's demands. He would pull him into a tight embrace and ride out the initial frenzied need that overwhelmed them both. He always knew when it was coming - just not the exact time of the attack. After the first few times Joey learned to recognize the signs and after almost six years he knew within a few hours of when Lance's resolve would crack. He would simply hang out and wait, keeping an eye on Lance as he worked himself toward the breaking point.

The first time it happened, Joey thought Lance was at last accepting what everyone else seemed to already know. Thrilled to finally hold and touch what he had been longing for, Joey had been taken by surprise the next morning when Lance left him with confused tears and a desperate plea to stay away. It had been obvious from the first kiss that Lance hadn't really known what he was doing, but Joey hadn't thought anything of it, happily believing they were heading for something more. He had tried to talk to him later of course, tried to convince Lance that what they had shared stemmed from something more than just friendship. It had led to weeks of tension, only to break when Lance did, on a cold rainy night after an insane week of performances. Once again Joey had thought Lance had come to some sort of acceptance only to learn the bitter truth in the morning.

It had taken a few repeat performances of this cycle before experience taught Joey the truth. Lance saw what they shared as a failure in himself, a betrayal of what he had been taught to believe in and something to be ashamed of. Joey's bewildered insistence that what they shared was based on something real seemed to only strengthen Lance's resolve and would lead to weeks of hostility between them. Time and again Joey's arguments were met with cold, unfriendly eyes and a low barbed voice telling him that they'd burn in hell if it happened again. It would end with him beginning to yell or plead and then a door would slam and there would be days of brittle silence.

Joey discovered as the years went by that a break in Lance's resolve could lead to weeks or even months of obstinate denial if he didn't handle things well. Initially Joey had resisted Lance's advances once he realized that he wasn't going to admit the truth. But Joey hadn't been able to hold on to his own resolve once fierce, demanding kisses took his breath away and hot, knowing hands seemed to find their way under his very skin. Joey finally learned to accept that if he wanted Lance at all he had to do it on Lance's terms, enjoying him when he got the chance.

It was then Joey decided to be practical. He took the affection where he could, enjoyed the companionship and made sure the sex was amazing. He also learned that a few well-placed words of apology at the right time could change his world in just seconds, from the darkest of nights to the brightest of sun-filled days. Lance was quick to forgive once he was reassured that it wouldn't be discussed again.

Joey was always surprised that Lance truly seemed to believe that their last time really was the last time. If nothing else, their history made him certain that despite Lance's insistent denial that it was the last time, it would happen again.

It was after these episodes of darkness that Lance would change for the better for a while. His smile would brighten when it fell upon Joey, his gestures and body language, maybe a bit relief laden, would be warmer and freer. It was then Joey would bask in quiet joy, as out of perhaps guilt or gladness at having his friend back, Lance would shower him with extra attention. Small presents would appear for a few days, horseplay and gentle hugs would occur again outside of photo shoots and they would be comfortable together again. They would be friends.

And every time Lance reached out to him, Joey would welcome him.

He learned to not let Lance's need dictate a rushed coupling but would instead let him work out some of his initial need. Joey would hush him down, letting him have his first quick release, and then Lance would allow Joey to take a gentler pace. Then he would soothe his shoulders, pet his hair and share long wet kisses until Lance was pliant in his arms, wanting whatever Joey would give him.

It was then that Joey would have given him anything.

Joey teased him, loved him and left him sated at the end. He did all this to hear Lance speak his name, to hear gasps of surprise interrupting murmurs of love. He did it so that for once the last thing he would hear before he fell asleep would be the low rumble of a voice, full of long denied devotion on the verge of sleep. He did it so he could curl around a hot, flushed, relaxed body and so he could hold him for a few hours without worry or concern. He did it with hope that Lance would be there again in his bed the next night.

Perhaps it was the arrival of his daughter that made him think about his life, to consider where they were going, what they were really doing. To wonder if they had a future. Joey couldn't quite believe it when he began to think about what was going on. He was used to postponing things and he sort of figured once the insanity that was N'Sync was done he would finally get a chance to work things out with Lance. But then Brianna showed up and he began to stop putting things off.

He had always been able to put his emotions away, rationalizing that this was part of their friendship, part of the package of being in a boy band. He had always been practical about it. He would find a girl or two in the next few cities to distract himself with and he would wait and watch for Lance to snap again.

So it surprised him when he realized he was starting to feel frustrated. He felt like he was acting like some lovelorn girl, hanging around for whenever Lance suddenly decided he needed a physical and emotional release. Sure, he found himself wrapped around Lance a lot more regularly these days as their surprise reunions became more frequent. But then again their work schedule was heavier then ever with the tour, the new CD, filming videos, and all of Lance's other work. He was beginning to crack more often. All his hard work was starting to pay off - in more hard work.

But since Lance was in his bed almost as regular as clockwork Joey knew better than to point it out, or to complain. Lance's pissed- off, bitchy intervals after sex had changed. They were shorter, with his insistence that it would never happen again lacking some of the conviction and certainty he used to have. Joey simply let things go, forgave him for being a prick and accepted Lance's overtures whenever and wherever they happened. But after nearly six years his hopes were starting to dim just a little. He was beginning to doubt Lance would ever admit the truth. The part in the film began to seem like a bribe, a plea to quiet him, but yet it asked him to continue on the way they were.

Joey was beginning to wonder just how much longer he could believe in being practical.

It was probably best that Joey had passed out when he did. A loud agonizing moan seemed to surround him as he slipped into the darkness. There had been an intense burning in his leg and Lance was crying over him, hands covered in blood, pleading with him to be ok. It had been more than a surprise. It had been too much.

Joey awoke to a dim room and to a low voice reciting the Lord's Prayer. He listened, confused and yet comforted. His hand was being held and the deep soothing voice seemed to sink into him, warming him from within. He glanced down at the bowed blond head, and at his leg wrapped up in huge mounds of gauze and remembered. He flinched, recalling the earlier pain, drawing Lance's attention.

"Joey," Lance whispered urgently, grasping his hand harder as he sat forward. He stared down at him, a frown creasing his brow, circles under his eyes deepening their shade of green. Joey tried to smile, "Hey."

They looked at each other, the quiet disturbed only by the murmur of voices in the hall, and the low hum of the air conditioning. It suddenly occurred to Joey that Lance looked smaller somehow. He had an odd sense of deja vu as if he were seeing some lost familiarity that seemed to suddenly surround Lance.

Lance wasn't looking at him anymore, eyes flitting about the room and then down to their hands, he finally said in rush as he caught Joey's eye for just a second, "How are you feeling? You're lucky. They said no broken bones and you missed your artery. You're going to be laid up for a while though."

"Yeah," Joey, said numbly. He wasn't really thinking clearly as his thoughts kept floating off. "Some great drugs," he managed to say with a bit of a smile. "I can't feel anything right now."

"Yeah? Good. That's good," Lance said nodding, slightly distracted.

"Hey, you ok?" Joey asked softly, gripping Lance's hand a little tighter.

"Um, uh? Oh, yeah. I'm fine," Lance said looking up, nodding.

"I - I um," Lance began only to stumble to a stop. He finally met Joey's intense gaze, a question clearly written on his face.

"Hey," Joey said quietly, his tone encouraging and concerned.

Closing his eyes, Lance shook his head, a quiet laugh rolling out of him as he sank back into his chair. "I'm just glad you're ok. There was so much blood, and you passed out. I-" Lance said. He shrugged as he looked up, smiling a bit sheepishly at Joey, finally meeting his questioning eyes.

"Hey, I'm fine. Not going anywhere, Ok?" Joey said, trying to comfort him. He was becoming more lucid and realized that it was more than just relief and worry that he was seeing in Lance. It made him wonder what else was going on.

"Yeah. You can't. Not for a while at least," Lance said with a small pained smile. He looked down at their hands again and said, "I'm just really glad you're ok."

The hospital door swung open then, JC looking questioningly at Lance as he led the others in. "Hey man, you're back," he said, smiling at Joey and pulling up a chair on the side of the bed across from Lance.

As the guys crowded around, and a nurse came in, warning them to be quiet and to not wear out the patient, Lance slowly let go of Joey's hand. JC caught Lance's eye for a moment, but Lance looked away, not willing to acknowledge the questions and the certainty he could read in them.

Later, after they left, Joey drifted. He was conscious but just on the verge of drug-induced sleep. Chris had given him a very pointed look when he had come in, with a significant sideways glance at Lance's releasing their handhold. Luckily Justin, oblivious to the relationships playing around him, demanded to know what Joey had done, to which Joey had of course responded with a joke, glad to be able to avoid Chris' expectant expression.

When the guys finally left both JC and Chris had lagged behind, each worried over their two troubled friends. Finally it was Lonnie who put his large hands on each of their shoulders and steered them out the door, allowing Lance to follow if he choose. Chris of course had resisted slightly but JC's "Later man," and shrug of his shoulders seemed to cue Chris that it was time to leave. Lance had looked back before following them out, obviously something on his mind. With a resigned expression flitting across his face, he finally gave Joey his twisted semi-real, yet professional `I-promise-you're-special' smile, saying, "Sleep well. We'll see you in the morning."

Joey frowned as he fought against sleep, struggling to stay awake a few moments longer. He kept coming back to Lance. Something was nagging at him about how he had looked and acted. Joey was reminded of something he just couldn't quite place. Sleep was demanding more of his attention, his thoughts slipping away faster then he could hold on to and consider. Just as it finally did take over Joey remembered.

Joey got a flash of a bowed blond head and a nervous hand clutching his. Green, fear-filled eyes glanced up at him and away as Lance shifted in his seat. He had appeared delicate and uncertain back then. Insecurity bled together with his prettiness and joy for life, creating a fragile beauty. He had been skittish at that time as well, not letting anyone too close, all the while sending out the message he wanted/needed to be held. His quiet, innocent appearance then had belied the undercurrent of wisdom and wildness that would flash through occasionally and which were much more apparent now. The images of long ago and just a few minutes ago blended together and Joey knew why he felt a sense of deja vu. It had been the day Lance had almost admitted there was more between them than just sex and need and desperation and the memory merged with what Joey had woken to that evening, his mind still in a drugged haze.

They had spent the day together just the two of them running around downtown Frankfurt. They had seen Lance's mom off at the bus stop early in the morning as she was heading to the airport. Lance had been a bit ashamed that he had cried when she got on the bus, waving and telling him to behave himself. Joey had laughed, threw his arm over Lance's shoulder and told him not to worry, that he'd see her again in three months or sooner if their new song was a hit. He had told him how they'd be going home super stars if it hit big. Lance had laughed at that - the way Joey had said superstars. It had been a joke back then, them finally getting back to the States and getting on MTV and going on tour and performing in real concert halls instead of loud outdoor beer gardens with rotten sound systems.

They had headed into the inner city, shopping at the low cost, low quality trendy stores aimed at teenagers. Lou had told them to find something to wear for the next show that didn't wash Lance out, fit Joey, was comfortable for dancing, washable and hip and under $30 bucks. It was a tall order that they really hadn't expected to fill. They got lucky though. With the help of two flirty shop girls they found shinny dark shirts that met all of Lou's specifications. The girls had teased them, telling Joey he looked dangerous and hitman like in his flashy shirt and that Lance looked like a bad little boy in his. The girls had made it clear that they both would be available after work for some fun, but Joey had brushed them off gracefully, belatedly conscious that Lance had slowly withdrawn as Joey had as a matter of habit flirted with them.

Finally getting out of the store, Joey had had to work hard to get Lance to loosen up again. All the while mentally cursing himself for being an idiot and not being aware that at this stage of things Lance would be sensitive to his random flirting ways, he had suggested the arcade near the bus stop, knowing Lance liked playing Centipede. He teased him for liking the old 80's game, brushing up against him, hand innocently touching Lance's thigh and occasionally his hip as he leaned in to speak into his ear to be heard over the din of the arcade. Joey carefully flirted with him, getting him to relax, all the while enjoying watching Lance blush and lose as he became more distracted. Lance had finally pushed him away, telling him to behave and find his own game, the words softened by a smile creeping across his blushing face. Joey had grinned knowingly, which Lance had returned before reddening further as he ducked down to put another coin in his machine. Joey had retreated to his own video game randomly beaming at everything around him, making sure it was near enough to keep a close eye on Lance.

Joey had been wrapped up in his game when he felt a hand and then an arm casually wrap around his shoulder and a light pressure lean over his back and against his arm. Glancing back, Joey caught Lance's eye, his expression seemingly innocent, watching him play. But his eyes and quick promising smile had said more, as had the quick squeeze of his hand on Joey's shoulder. Joey had lost a man to that distraction, and as he waited for the game to kick in again he had shivered involuntarily when Lance had leaned in to murmur in his ear, "Hey, maybe we should be getting back.I think the guys have probably gone out without us by now."

Joey had nodded and returned to the game, very conscious of Lance's close proximity as he let his arm slide slowly down Joey's body, hand grazing his hip and ass a little longer than necessary before he shifted to lean against the side of the machine apparently engrossed with the game. Joey had been surprised that Lance had actually turned the tables on him. Glancing up as another of his characters died, Joey was a bit startled by the appreciative look Lance was giving him. Joey had managed to grin at him admiringly as well before throwing himself into killing alien ships, the entire time thinking about how the guys would be gone and that Lance was encouraging the direction things were taking.

It had been late when they finally got the last bus to the outskirts of town, to their little hotel. The ride had been full of flirting and almost innocent touching as they had been completely alone in the back of the bus. They both were worked up, flushed and barely able to look at one another without laughing. They had ended up in Lance's room, empty now that his mother had left and none of the others had been moved into it yet. They had talked quietly, as if by mutual agreement that they didn't want to alert anyone who might be around that they were back.

Joey had always wondered what would have happened next all those years ago. He had been sure that Lance was finally ready and that he had wanted it as much as Joey had. He had been sure that they would make love without Lance's usual prerequisite breakdown first. But as he had leaned in to kiss him, Diane, Lance's mother came through the hotel door, complaining about a missed flight and a long day as she dragged her luggage in behind her. Under her watchful eye they sprang apart, quickly helping her with her suitcases and trying to act their correct parts. She, of course, wanted to spend more time with her son now that she had it and Joey was politely dismissed.

Diane, for some reason, couldn't get a flight out until after the weekend. She watched Lance like a hawk, conveniently finding things to fill his free time and kept him away from the rest of the guys. They attended one of the American churches near by and she had made a big production of getting Lou and Lance to both promise that he would continue to go. Furtive glances of apology from Lance led to scared looks and by the end of the weekend complete avoidance, and it was all the explanation Joey ever received.

By the time Diane finally left Lance's quiet resolve had returned. His constant companion was a Bible, which he held on to tightly, his entire body rigid with resistance during their first conversation after his mother left. He insisted that what they had done was wrong, sick even. That it was just stupid teenage curiosity getting the better of them and that Joey was leading him astray. After that fight they didn't speak again for over a week and it was then that Joey began to drink more and find solace in other warm, willing bodies as months passed and Lance's resolve remained firm.

Joey remembered all that in an instant, his heart twisting a little at the old remembered pain, pressure building behind his eyes as if he were about to cry. Damn drugs were making him freak, he decided. But he thought again about the bowed head, the grasped hand and the stuttered words that he had awakened to this evening. It had been a long time since he had seen Lance unsure about what he was doing. And in that instant Joey had hope. If he was drawing the right conclusions, and he prayed to God he was, then Lance had been struggling with once again declaring his feelings. Almost five years since his first try, maybe now he was really ready. What else could possibly make him lose the cool, controlled posture he usually wore so easily these days?

For the first time in a very long time Joey fell asleep hopeful and truly happy.

After that, the swirl of touring, video making and painkillers took over for a time. Rarely if ever alone, Joey had assistants, bodyguards, dancers, and roadies checking in on him around the clock, it seemed. The guys were always at his side as well, making sure he had everything he could possibly want. While feeling overwhelmingly loved and flattered by the attention, Joey often found himself watching Lance and wishing for some alone time. Even on the bus there was always someone else around or Lance was busy working and Joey never managed to get a chance to talk to him in private before the bus and drugs would rock him asleep.

Lance hovered around him though, which was a comfort. Warm and affectionate, Joey enjoyed the extra attention, reminded of past reconciliations after some of their fights. But this was better because there had been no fight and the lingering touches and smiles seemed full of promise.

It was Chris that first got him alone. Joey had been napping on the bus, the couch and its pillows better support for his leg then the cots in the quiet room. He woke up to the refrigerator door closing and a low curse as something dropped on the floor. "Hey," he said groggily, wondering what time it was and what Chris was doing.

"Oh, hey. Sorry to wake you," Chris said, none too apologetically, settling at the end of the couch, careful of the pillows Joey's knee was propped up on. "How are you feeling?"

"Um, you know, Ok," Joey, said with a shrug. "Tonight's gonna be a bitch," he added, reaching up to massage his still swollen knee. He was glad he could perform again, even if he couldn't take anything stronger than Advil during the performance. He would suck it up - that's what they did.

Chris nodded knowingly. He knew all about performances and pain. "So. Where's Lance?" he asked casually, sipping an ice tea he just got out of the fridge, as he watched for Joey's reaction.

Joey sighed, realizing this was the conversation he knew had been coming for a while. "He's got Meredith and movie producing stuff happening. Last time I saw him he had two cell phones plus his email going," he said with a dismissing gesture, hoping it answered Chris' question but knowing that more were coming.

"Uh huh," Chris answered with a knowing nod. Settling in deeper on the couch he continued to stare at Joey.

"WHAT?!" Joey finally asked, exasperated.

"You two get anything worked out yet?"

"There's nothing to work out," Joey shot back, knowing full well that it was not the answer Chris was looking for.

"Joey it's been three weeks. You mean to tell me you guys have yet to talk about any of this?"

"Any of what?"

"Don't give me that? This! The accident, the way he's treated you, the way he completely freaked out when you got hurt! Come on - you aren't going to just let it all go are you?"

"Chris, I'm fine. It was just an accident. It was no big deal."

"No big deal?! Hello?! You could have been killed," Chris said, riled up at Joey's offhanded dismissal. "And it was a big deal - especially to him. Come on - You've been hung up on him for years. Don't you think it's time to either move on or get on with things?"

"Jesus Chris. Yes. OK? Yes. You're right. It's just.He's not. I mean - we just haven't had a chance to talk. Someone is always here, or he's on the phone working or I'm drugged up sleeping. And you know - he's been great. He's always here - he's great," Joey insisted.

They were silent for a moment before Joey offered quietly as he pulled on the edge of a pillow, "I just don't want to ruin things. You know? We're really doing good right now." Joey said, almost pleadingly.

"Uh huh," Chris said, eyes narrowing a little as he looked at Joey. With a small knowing smirk he asked, "When was the last time you got laid?"

"God! It's not just about the sex!" Joey shot back rolling his eyes. "Yeah, right. You know this gonna end at some point," Chris said, gesturing around the bus trying to indicate the new found peace Joey didn't want to disturb.

"He's gonna crack and end up in your bed, and then act like a total prick afterward and you're gonna let him get away with it - again. Aren't you sick of it? Don't you think it's time for it to stop?" Chris demanded.

Joey tried to explain, "He's not ready. Not yet. I think.I think he might be getting there though. I got the impression he almost was - the other night in the hospital."

"Joe," Chris began with a sad sigh, "Almost making declarations of love when he thought you were gonna die doesn't really count. What about right now? Don't you think you would rather have it now? When things aren't life and death and just normal? Wouldn't you rather have him here every day and night instead of when he decides he can't go any further without some Joey lovin'?"

"Damn it Chris. I do have him. We're fine. And. and I can wait," Joey answered, exasperated.

Chris sat back against in the couch, willing, it seemed to admit defeat for now. Their conversation hadn't gone much different from previous ones. Joey was still defending Lance, still holding on to hope and since he was being fed just enough to keep him nibbling on the line Chris knew it was hopeless to argue with him further.

"I hope you're right - for your sake. Because like I said before, he treats you like shit. You need to give him the final word - get on with it or end it. It's that simple," Chris said, getting up to head off the bus. He gave Joey one last sad nod, agreeing to drop the topic for now in order to get ready for the night's show.

Joey didn't move for a while. He was more tired than he had been in a long time and he really didn't want to think about any of this. "Damn Chris," he thought as he began to pull himself together.

It was an old argument, one neither he nor Chris would win. He was sure he just needed to give Lance time and space to become comfortable with them being together. Besides when he was honest he had to admit he enjoyed the freedom his relationship with Lance had given him. Combined with their crazy lifestyles Joey had gotten the chance to experience sexually just about everything he had wanted. It had also been simpler to go out and have fun, settling for Lance whenever he got him instead of trying to have a closeted relationship. It was something that was almost too hard to hope to envision having, much less sustaining without it becoming public and destroying everything.

Besides Joey knew Lance struggled to reconcile his faith with their life style. He knew Lance hadn't been able to find a way - and that was what tore them apart more then anything. "Damn Baptist," Joey thought, "Why couldn't he be some generic church-on-Christmas-and- Easter Protestant? Or a potluck Catholic, like me? Willing to pick and choose which rules to believe in?"

"Man," Lance thought, as he rubbed the back of his neck and gulped down a large glass of water as a chaser to the Mylanta he had just taken. His stomach was killing him - again. Besides his neck and stomach hurting he felt nauseous as well. If he didn't know better he would think he was coming down with something. But this feeling was pretty much the normal state of affairs these last three weeks. Initially he had found respite in his work and on stage but now it was following him even there. Luckily, he was getting used to feeling as if he was going to lose his lunch.

He had a half an hour before he needed to get ready for the show. Camped out in the corner of the toy room Lance had two cell phones and his laptop up and ready for action. All he had accomplished thus far was to check in with Lonnie to see where Joey was - napping on the bus. And to see if he needed anything - not at this time. Emails and returned calls were just not registering on his mental priorities list. He simply sat, loosely clutching his stomach, burping chalky mint flavored antacid, rubbing his neck and gazing blankly at the screen of his laptop. Occasionally he'd rouse himself to read or answer an email but his concentration was shot. He was miserable and really only wanted one thing.

"What I want," he thought ironically, as it was the very thing making him sick, "is Joey."

He knew Joey's touch would ease his muscles and settle his stomach. He knew his presence would quiet his mind and allow him to concentrate again. The calm and peace he felt around Joey was something he actually physically craved. He wanted nothing more than to go see how Joey was and at the very least sit near him.

There had been a time when he would have found comfort in a Psalm. He would have given his worries and concerns up to God, asked Him to help him carry his burden and the weight on his shoulders would have been lifted. It had been simple. He believed and it was so.

"Only now its not so simple is it?" he asked himself as he stared down at his day timer.

He had asked for years for forgiveness, for redemption, for a sign, for a new path to open before him. He had bargained, begged and promised. There had been times he had thought his prayers had been answered with new challenges and opportunities. But while his hard work yielded great success the same problem remained to haunt him.

"God never gives you more than you can handle," was his next thought. Not sure whether to laugh or to curse over the fact that he heard that phrase in his mother's voice, Lance decided to pack it up for the night. Time to get ready for the show. As he slid his laptop in his case and zipped up his organizer he couldn't help but think, "It would have been nice to have gotten a little more guidance on this one God. Maybe - oh, you know a how to manual or something. `Cause I really don't think the Bible is quite the right book for this particular situation."

"And what is my problem? I'm gay? No, no I'm not. But I am, because I love Joey. God, I said it. I love him. So yeah. I'm gay. And I'm Christian - Which you know really sucks because I'm not supposed to be both. I mean, I know I can be both because I am. but..."

Lance stopped thinking. He decided he needed to shut off the mental merry go round of arguments he had been on for what seemed like forever as it was driving him crazy. "Sure you're fine. You'd rather perform in front of 50,000 people right now then make a decision to tell someone you love them. Oh yeah, you're doing great!" He couldn't help but chastise himself as he headed into wardrobe to change and distract himself, hoping his stomach would finally settle down in time for the performance.

Later, sitting at the makeup table, basically finished getting ready but zoning mentally, Lance looked up to see JC sitting next to him with a quizzical smile on his face. "So, the wonders of sponges? Or is it the brushes and powder? `Cause I've gotta wonder what I'm missing here."

"Uh?" Lance responded with a slightly confused frown, not quite on JC's wavelength. Glancing down at the counter laden with cosmetic supplies, he got it. "Oh. Um. Yeah. I mean. No," Lance said, as he caught on.

"Geez, man, you got it bad," JC said, with a quiet sympathetic laugh.

Lance glanced up at him in the mirror and then checked out the rest of the room making sure everyone was busy. "Yeah," he finally agreed, eyes once again cast down.

"You know it doesn't have to be this hard,' JC said quietly.

Lance snorted, "Yeah, right."

"No really, I mean it. It's simple. You love him. You tell him and then get on with your life. Together," JC patiently explained.

"JC-" Lance began testily.

"Look. It's that simple. The rest? Everyone and everything else? They don't matter. They'll work themselves out."

Lance faltered for a second, saying sadly, "I wish - I really wish-"

"Wish what? Just do, man," JC said, trying to be encouraging. He looked at Lance's drooping shoulders and tried another tack. "So, what's really stopping you?"

"What? You want a list?" Lance asked, incredulously.

"Ok, sure. Give me your top three. And you can't say the band or the guys. You know we're behind whatever you guys decided to do - we just want to you to decide something."

"Yeah," Lance nodded in understanding.

"So - Top three?" JC prodded, when Lance continued to just sit there staring at nothing.

"My family," Lance whispered dejectedly. Adding heatedly, "Do you have any idea how disappointed they will be? They'd disown me!"

JC flashed him a small amused yet understanding smile and shaking his head said, "No they wouldn't. They love you. Sure, it would be hard but they would come around."

Lance rolled back in his seat, crossed his arms over his chest as the beginning of a scowl set in. Obviously he didn't agree, but he did look as if he was hoping it were true.

"And?" JC prompted him again when he sat silently pouting.

"The rest. it's just a mess," Lance said irritably.

Finally, when he got tired of JC patiently and yet expectantly staring at him, and he added, "It's not who I'm supposed to be."

With a small laugh JC asked, "Just WHO are you supposed to be?"

"JC-" Lance said, miserably.

"Seriously. Where does it say you are supposed to be a certain way?" JC asked, knowing he was treading on dangerous ground but warming to his argument.

"Well there's-," Lance began, but then turned away saying angrily, "You know what? I'm not going to talk about this right now. I feel like I'm gonna puke and I'd still rather be on stage right now than talking to you about this, ok? So just leave me alone."

"Ok, ok. But you know you'd feel a whole lot better if you just got it over with," JC offered with a small knowing smile.

"JC," was said in a low cautionary tone with just the hint of a lifted eyebrow to let JC know it was his last warning.

"Hey man," JC said backing up, "Just think about it ok?"

"That's all I do."

Lance and Joey both hit the bus about the same time, out of breath and tired but happy with the night's show and each in their own way relieved it was over. They hadn't talked much, nodded a greeting, gulped water and then agreed Joey should shower first as the bus began to pull out of the venue. Neither wanted to do anything right then besides wash off the sweat and sleep.

It seemed like only moments later when Lance found himself suddenly wide-awake. He had been dreaming again. Of Joey, of course. The accident had mutated in his dreams into horrible scenarios in which Joey died time and time again - always in horribly bloody ways. It was as if his mind was refusing him rest until he did something and Lance had a feeling he knew what that something was.

He pushed back his covers resignedly, knowing he wouldn't be getting anymore sleep for a while. Slipping on his watch as he swayed in the passageway between the bunks, he realized he had gotten just 2 hours of rest. "Hey, new record," he thought, not at all amused.

Stepping into the dark lounge he saw Joey outlined against the couch, knee propped up, snoring softly. He reached over to tuck in the blanket that had fallen to the side and looked down at him with a bit of envy for being able to sleep so soundly. Lance knew if he climbed in next to him he would finally be able to get some rest. He knew Joey would wake up, confused at first and then with a sleepy smile pull him into his warm solid arms. There would be what seemed like the mandatory messing around. At the very least some tired but heated groping until they both found release and then fell into deep post-sex sleep. But Lance didn't want to mess around.

"Well," he thought with an amused mental shrug, "I wouldn't say no."

He just didn't want to deal with what always came afterward. He liked where they were right now. They were happy. "Mostly," he amended. He didn't want to act like a bitch in the morning. He didn't have the energy anymore to be resentful and angry with Joey nor did he want to act as if he were some put upon virgin that had been led astray. He wasn't innocent and hadn't been for a very long time. With a resigned sigh, he stepped away from Joey's side only to stop when a hand caught his wrist.

"Hey," Joey whispered, looking up at him with oddly alert eyes that contrasted with his sleepy expression. His firm hold was gently insistent on Lance's wrist.

"Hey," Lance whispered back in surprise. He didn't resist Joey's hold or being gently pulled forward, his eyes locked with Joey's questioning and inviting gaze.

Joey threw back his covers and continued to guide Lance onto the extra wide couch, shifting slightly to make room for him. "There," Joey said, as he threw the covers over him and pulled Lance to his chest, one arm curled under his head, leaning over him slightly. This was a first for them, and it scared Lance. Joey hadn't initiated anything between them in years, having learned the hard lesson that Lance would only come to him when he was ready.

As he lay there for a minute looking up into Joey's shadowed face, Lance reached up and brushed some hair away from his eyes, his hand coming to rest on his upper arm. "Hey," he said, not having anything to say but feeling he needed to acknowledge where he was.

Joey smiled at him and in the dark he could see the flash of his teeth as he responded in kind, "Hey." Mint toothpaste, soap, cologne, sweat and the faintest scent of garlic drifted over him then, and it made Lance smile up at him. The comforting smell of Joey. Here he felt right, and as he thought it he realized the muscles in his neck and shoulders had finally relaxed. He brought his other hand up to Joey's face without thinking about what he was doing and leaned up to kiss him. It was a soft undemanding kiss that lasted only a few moments. He pulled back and looked fondly into Joey's questioning and uncertain face before saying, "Lay down, ok? You need your rest." Joey froze for a second, surprised. This was not how things usually went and he wasn't quite sure how to respond. He was about to say something when Lance began to tug on him saying, "Here, come on. You need to sleep. And I know I'm going to sleep better knowing you're ok. So just lay down."

Lance was sitting up and putting a pillow behind his head and then moving Joey down onto his shoulder and chest, all the while talking in a barely audible rumble. It blended with the drone of the tires and as Joey found himself settled on a warm solid shoulder he began to immediately drift, floating away on the low soothing tune that Lance was humming above his head. He thought as he slide away into unconsciousness that he heard the low hum above him change for a moment. He wasn't sure but it almost sounded as if a soft, low wind whispered over him, "I love you." And Joey wasn't all that surprised.

An insistent beeping finally forced Lance awake. The watch on his left wrist, hidden deep within the covers was demanding he get up. Must be eight o'clock he thought as he tried to roll over and shut it off. It was then he felt the solid weight along his left side, the heavy arm across his chest, some legs curled around his own. It was then he really woke and remembered. Surprised to find Joey curled around him, head on his chest, still sound asleep, he quickly shut off the alarm without jostling him too much.

Looking down, he took in Joey wrapped around him as if Lance were his personal teddy bear. Lance kind of liked that thought. Joey was drooling too, he realized as he became aware that his t-shirt was slightly damp in one spot. He smiled, amused and wanting to wake Joey to tease him. But he didn't as a wave of something crashed over him. `Love - god I love him,' he thought, scared and wistful and fierce all at once.

He looked down at Joey's sleeping, relaxed face, amazed at how young and soft he looked, at how his long eyelashes curled softly against his cheek and he was suddenly reminded of Brianna, Joey's beautiful little girl. The last time Lance had seen her she had looked like a fresher, more delicate, much smaller version of her father. She too had had long eyelashes that curled across her cheeks.

"God, you never let things come easy do you?" Lance thought, as he closed his eyes in anguish.

This was not a new line of thought, not really. But it was the first time he had had it in the morning, in bed with Joey, all the while wanting to wake him up and do the things they usually did in the dark of night in the bright light of day. Usually by now Lance would have slipped from Joey's arms and would be in the shower scrubbing himself clean, all the while cursing himself for being weak and praying for God's forgiveness. It had become almost a ritual, washing away the night's excesses and recommitting himself in the fresh morning light to pure Christian living.

But things had gradually changed. Lance still prayed, and pled for forgiveness, as he scrubbed and at times cried in the shower. But he found he could easily get lost in his work and not have to subject himself to such deep self-scrutiny as he had once before. It was easier to not hold on quite so rigidly to what he had been taught to believe. With all the time he spent with Joey and all the work they did together, Lance just didn't have the energy or the desire to keep him at arms length for long periods of time. He didn't want to make Joey the bad guy for something Lance had to honestly admit he wanted.

Which put him back where he started. He loved a man, his best friend. He knew better, had been taught better and yet he wanted more, wanted to believe there was a way that they could be together. He needed there to be a way. But he knew that there was a price, actually many different prices to be paid and some so high Lance had to question whether he was willing to pay them.

There was a child now, conceived after one of their worst fights. Beautiful like her father, Brianna would be a reminder and a blessing to each of them. Lance didn't regret her appearance in their lives, seeing that she had matured Joey in ways that surprised even him. She was, however, the thing that could easily pull Joey away from him, allow Joey to legitimize his place in the straight world and forget his forays with Lance.

There were loving families on each side, who, while likely to eventually come around, would have great difficulty accepting at first what they were told, what they could see if they only opened their eyes. Lance had spent too much time with his own mother barely hinting over the years that this was not an acceptable option to believe for a second that she or his father would take things lying down. He knew it would most likely be years before his family found peace if he ever revealed the truth.

There were also their careers to think about. They had taken on lives of their own, evolving rapidly until none of them could believe how far and fast they had risen, and all the directions they were going. Public knowledge of their relationship, much less speculation could easily ruin everything and not just for them. It could destroy all of them - the band - in the public arena before they could prove they were there on talent and ability and not by pure luck alone.

Each of these things were enough to make Lance want to get out of bed and run from Joey, to only see him at rehearsals, shows and photo ops, and to hide behind the cleverly drawn image he and the PR people had constructed. At least behind it he had a measure of control. He knew who he was supposed to be, how he was supposed to act, what he was supposed to say. And to top it off he knew if he just wore that mantle he would be making almost everyone in the entire world happy. Everyone that is except Joey and himself as they, he knew from experience, would be miserable.

"Damn," he thought, letting out a long sigh. "You really can't let this be a simple thing can you God? Can't I just love him and get on with our lives? Would you let that happen without everything else falling apart?"

Lance lay there waiting for an answer, not really expecting one. Joey shifted against him then, pulling him a bit closer in his sleep. Lance wrapped his arm around his shoulders, adjusting the blankets and checked to make sure Joey's knee was still elevated. "He probably needs that massaged after last night, I should have done it then," he thought, concerned about how stiff and sore Joey would be when he woke up.

He couldn't help but think as he snuggled down next to Joey, warmth pouring off of him like an electric blanket that this was something he would really like to wake up to regularly. He had slept soundly for once and he hadn't woken up with the usual kink in his neck from stress. He felt secure in Joey's arms, protected from everything outside their bed, feeling loved in a way that could only be called complete. It was then Lance made his decision. It scared him but as he ran a hand through Joey's hair and smiled down at his soft snoring, Lance had a sense of peace and he was pretty sure he was right.

"Ok God," he thought, afraid and sure all at once. "This is it. It's love and it sucks because its really shouldn't be happening here. But I think I'm going to try to love him for real. Because he's Joey - You know him, he's.he's wonderful. He's the only one I've loved, besides You, for all these years. I've tried everything else I can think of God but You always bring me back to him. So I have to believe that there is something to that. I'm going to trust this and You. You have taken care of me, and guided me through all this. I'm just going to keep praying that You brought me here for a reason. One that I'm not supposed to see right now but one that I have to trust."

Nothing unusual happened when Lance got done with his conversation with God. The bus kept going, its hum the only thing to be heard in the early morning, that and Joey's snoring. The sun still streamed in, the clouds in the sky still floated and the rest of the world seemed to be continuing on as it was before. But Lance felt different. There was a sense of relief and awareness and certainty that filled him calmly as if something within had finally opened up. His entire body seemed to relax in a way he had never felt before as it also seemed to wash away the weariness set deep in his heart. He felt refreshed and suddenly had a memory from childhood of a church service flash upon him and he realized he might now know what real faith felt like.

It was the tap, tap, tap-pity tap that finally got Joey's attention. He woke slowly, the bus still moving, its drone barely noticeable in the morning stillness. Rolling toward the tapping sound, Joey saw Lance sitting at the table, squinting at his laptop as the sun streamed in around him. Lance looked up at him, a slow smile spread across his face, his eyes questioning but warm with affection as he said, "Hey there, good morning."

"Um, yeah. Good morning," Joey responded a little cautiously. He wasn't sure what to expect. Mornings after with Lance were usually silent, the air filled with hostility. Since they hadn't had sex he couldn't help but hope that it would make the difference. He lay there trying not to worry as he rubbed his face and eyes, yawning as he finally sat up to face the day - and Lance.

"Sorry if I woke you. I was trying to be quiet."

"What? Oh. No, you didn't wake me," Joey answered after a long, hard stretch of his arms. "Man, I really slept hard. What time is it?"

"10:30. You probably needed it. How are you feeling?" Lance asked conversationally as he shuffled papers and drank his coffee.

"Um, yeah, ok," Joey answered. He was sort of freaking out. Things seemed like they were ok. Too ok. Heading to the bathroom, he couldn't help but think as he passed Lance, "Ok, who are you and what have you done with Lance?"

He wasn't sure if it got better or simply stranger when he came out of the bathroom. Standing in the kitchen area holding a spatula in one hand and a frying pan in the other, Lance turned to him saying, "Hey, want some breakfast? I was thinking scrambled eggs."

Handing Joey a cup of coffee, Lance turned back to the kitchen gathering ingredients, ignoring Joey's mildly puzzled expression as he slowly sat down at the table.

"So, eggs?" Lance asked again, hand hovering over a cartoon of eggs.

"Um, sure, sounds good," Joey said. He wasn't quite sure what to think but decided he would just go with it for now. He decided maybe he just needed more time to wake up and then things would start making sense.

"So hey, I was thinking tomorrow we have like six hours free. Maybe we could go do something together. Just us maybe? What do you think?" Lance asked him hesitantly, his face beginning to redden as he turned back to concentrate on chopping green peppers.

"Um.Yeah, sure," Joey said after a second. He needed the time to make sure he had heard him right. `Did he just ask me on a date?' he couldn't help but wonder as he watched Lance busily stir ingredients in a pan.

"Lance," Joey quietly said to get his attention. He didn't want to question any of this but knew he needed to for his own peace of mind. "You usually work on our half days off. Don't you have like Freelance stuff to do or something?"

"Yeah, well.I thought maybe you'd want to go see a movie or something," Lance said looking up quickly and then back at the eggs he was stirring.

"Yeah, I'd be up for that," Joey answered, the ghost of a smile crossing his face. He couldn't help but think Lance looked awfully cute blushing and jumpy. It reminded him of when they were younger and starting out. He watched Lance nervously fidget in the kitchen area, stirring and checking their breakfast, obviously very conscious of the fact that Joey was watching him.

Taking a gulp of his cooling coffee, Joey thought, `what the hell?' and asked, "What's going on?"

"Um? What?" Lance mumbled over his shoulder as he put bread in the toaster.

"I said, what's going on?" Joey asked, a slight note of disbelief in his voice. "You're making me breakfast and planning to skip work all day tomorrow to go with me to the movies alone and you're blushing. Lance, you don't blush anymore unless it's on cue. So I have to ask, am I missing something here?"

Lance froze over the stove for a second and then with spatula still in his hand he slowly turned to face Joey. `Oh shit,' Joey thought when he saw the look on Lance's face, regretting his words, fearing he had pushed him too hard.

Just then the toast popped up and they both were distracted. Lance quickly turned back to his breakfast, placing more bread in the toaster and buttering the hot slices, his flushed face darkening as the seconds passed. Placing the toast on a plate he set it before Joey saying as he shifted uneasily before him, "I guess I thought you might like eggs for breakfast and we don't have to go to the movies tomorrow. We can do anything you want."

Looking down at his feet he added, almost timidly, "I thought..I mean. I guess I thought you did things like that if you love someone."

Surprised, Joey wasn't quite ready to believe what he had heard, repeating blankly, "Love?"

"Um.yeah," Lance said carefully. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there, his skin suddenly taking on a much lighter tone.

"Love," Joey said again, his face beginning to brighten, his voice full of hope.

"Joey, you said that already," Lance pointed out, a smile pulling at the edges of his lips.

Joey chuckled and flashing a big grin said, "Yeah, I did."

He quickly asked still smiling, hope, concern and happiness all flowing together, "You sure?"

Lance was eerily calm when he answered, understanding after everything they had been through he needed to make it clear and so with a slight nod answered a bit warily, "Yeah.If you are."

Joey launched himself from behind the table and enveloped Lance into a bear hug as he said, voice full of delight, "I've always been sure."

They stood, arms wrapped tightly around the other, heads leaning into the others shoulders, a few relieved tears mixing with laughter as they swayed with the motion of the bus. It was Joey that first spoke, chuckling still as he whispered into Lance's soft blond hair, "So I'm your boyfriend, am I?"

Suddenly bashful and blushing fiercely Lance just nodded his head, holding on to him a bit tighter for a second before he breathed out a low laugh saying happily, "Yeah, if you want to be."

Joey laughed at first and then said quietly into Lance's hair, as he placed a kiss to his head, "Yeah, I think I'd like that. Because you know. I love you too."

He had been rocking them each in his enthusiastic hug but finally he pulled back a bit. He gradually sobered as he stared down into Lance's earnest green eyes. Bringing a hand up, Joey slowly cupped his cheek, gently brushing a thumb across his lips. Eyes darkening as he stood there contemplating his face, Joey was entranced by what he saw.

Lance, head tilted back, eyes and skin a glow as he looked into Joey's deep brown eyes, waited for him to do something. He was afraid to rush anything but he followed an impulse and slowly brought his arms up around Joey's shoulders to his neck. Watching him closely Lance pressed his lips against Joey's soft caressing touch. They both were beginning to breathe just a little faster as they leaned into a kiss that quickly deepened.

Neither of them were all that surprised when they forgot about breakfast.

~end~.