A dork to the core, with straight dark blond hair parted straight down the middle, pointing to huge terrified eyes, and that almost impossibly pale skin.

You couldn't believe the first time you heard his voice, sounding almost unnatural coming from a boy like him. You were only two years older, and still the differences were colossal.

Still, there was an endearing quality about him, his awkwardness and obvious need to belong engaging, and you all accepted him with open arms.

The first couple weeks were hard, on him the most of all, but he was open and friendly and once he actually started speaking quite funny, and very smart.

His sarcastic streak appealed to Chris, and Justin bonded with Lance over age. Back then, JC wasn't so guarded, he accepted everybody with open arms in a way that you saw less and less as the years of stardom got under his skin and he became more guarded.

If there were reasons for you and Lance clicking other than him desperately needing a friend, and you being the guy who was friends with everybody, you'd never bothered to figure them out.

You and he hung out a lot at first, while Chris dealt with the management aspects with Justin's mom, and JC and Justin seemed to sing every moment of every day.

You gave him pep talks when he was homesick or couldn't get the steps as fast as everyone else, or when Lou looked at him in ways that made everybody's skin crawl. You helped him open up and become more confident.

You think maybe you loved him the instant you saw him.

About the same length of time that he loved JC.

~

You remember when you figured out that he had a thing for JC. You started off calling it a 'thing' and 'school boy crush' in your head and were convinced it was nothing more.

As time passed on you wondered if you weren't just telling yourself that to make yourself believe it.

The first time you saw it was on a break at rehearsal, when their new choreographer had some 'fresh' dance moves he wanted to try that even Justin was having difficulty with. JC finally nailed it and looked more relieved than proud of himself, and then Lou came in and bawled the rest of you out.

Names were called, the words 'useless fag' were used, and a hell of a lot of screaming had ensued. Chris had slammed out of the room and Justin had stood biting his nails and looking at his shoes. You had stood in the middle of the room feeling useless. Lance had sunk to the floor against the mirror and stared off into space. You could swear you could pinpoint the exact moment he went dead inside.

JC had wandered over and put his arm around Lance and murmured things you couldn't hear. To this day you wish you knew what JC had said to put the smile back on Lance's face. They'd hugged, and when JC had gotten up to leave, you saw the first traces of it. Lance had smiled a soft smile and hadn't taken his eyes off JC as he'd left.

You'd get used to that smile after awhile.

~

Chris figured it out pretty soon after and told Justin. They laughed about it in private and eventually confronted Lance with it. You watched Lance blush and stammer, deny, and then finally beg them not to tell. In the end they'd agreed, though Chris had done an aboutface and worried about group dynamics. Lance had promised that there was nothing to worry about. It would all be gone soon enough, the crush would pass as they always did with him.

You tried very hard to believe him.

~

It did seem to pass after awhile. To evade any sly comments from Chris and Justin, Lance took to avoiding JC. JC oblivious as always, took four months to realize it.

JC finally asked Lance about it one night when you and Lance were playing cards on the bus, and Lance just smiled and said 'we've both been busy, I guess.' It was then that you realized what a smooth liar Lance had become in the time you had known him. JC had looked perplexed and then asked if Lance wanted to go watch a movie at the back of the bus. Lance smiled and said that he would once he was done with his game with you.

Silently you cheered, thinking for once you'd come first.

~

It got even better after that, with you two getting your own bus and spending more time together.

You got to know him better and he told you secrets that nobody else knew. You knew he was wildly ticklish on his ribs and once his sister had held him down and tortured him until he'd almost passed out. You knew that he'd first kissed a boy when he was thirteen and had lost almost twenty pounds worrying he was going to straight to hell. You knew that he listened to Enya if he was feeling homesick because that was what his mother listened to at home. You knew he liked to sing in the shower at the top of his lungs.

You knew all this about Lance.

You couldn't help wishing you knew more.

~

You remember the night it finally happened. It was raining, cold, and the heat wasn't working in your hotel. You were still sharing rooms back then, almost two years to the day you'd first met, and that night you were sharing your space with him.

You can't remember exactly how it happened; how suddenly you were side by side on the same bed, whispering in hushed tones, but you do remember warm lips on damp skin, the arch, the press, the burn, the slick slide of bodies pressed together, and finally the hot rush of release.

You remember you cried out his name when you came.

You remember he cried out JC's.

The next few minutes were the worst of your life. He was instantly mortified, crushed, and you remember there were tears. His, not your own, because by then you were an expert at hiding inner most thoughts even when you felt like you'd just been gutted. He begged for forgiveness, and told you he wanted to die for using you like he had. He'd never forgive himself, he swore. He told you he'd been sure that he was over his feelings for JC, that he was sure he felt something for you.

He pleaded to you with shining green eyes, and in the end you forgave him, because really, you could never refuse him if you tried.

You played down your feelings, swearing up and down that it was just for fun, soothing his nerves with casual tones and lighthearted jokes, while inside you were dying. He seemed to believe you as you faithfully swore that it was all in good fun, you weren't offended, and that things would go back to exactly the way they were. You couldn't decide whether you were more relieved or hurt when he didn't see through your brave front.

~

Things did go back to normal the next day, you did your best to make Lance feel at ease, because that was your designated job in the band. Make everybody laugh and keep everybody content. Sometimes, you hated your job just a little bit.

You remember that Lance went back to stealing secret glances at JC, Justin and Chris rolling their eyes and teasing him behind his back.

JC would enter a room and Lance would look up, smile, then blush and look away. During nights when you were sharing a room again he would confess to you about how he felt like such a tool every time JC was around and how he wished the feelings would stop and go away forever, because really, two years was too long to love someone from afar when you knew there was really no chance of ever obtaining what you wanted.

You nodded your head and silently agreed.

~

You remember that the shy looks in JC's direction didn't stop.

You remember when JC started to look back.

~

You were unfortunate enough to walk into a room only seconds after what must have been the confession.

They didn't notice you, eyes fixed upon one another, and you pleaded with yourself to just turn and walk away.

But you watched as JC tentatively took Lance's hand, as they moved closer together, heads bowed, their foreheads touching. You remember the ache inside when they raised their heads and their lips met softly in the middle.

You thought as you had quietly slipped out of the room, that you hated JC a little bit.

~

Two years past and somewhere in those two years the harsh pain turned into a dull ache.

You were the first person they came out to, about a month after you'd first seen them together.

They'd wanted to keep it to themselves at first, they'd said, and you congratulated them on keeping it such a well hidden secret. Lance's eyes had shone bright when he'd told you, and you smiled, cheered, told them it was about time and you demanded to be best man at the wedding. Lance had blushed a deep red and JC had giggled.

You were there when they told their parents and management. The tone had been slightly somber and you watched Lance shake the whole way through. In the end everyone was convinced that they were happy and that they would play it safe, and you watched them relax against each other and leave hand in hand.

You were there through their first fight, something ridiculously insignificant that had them screaming, and Lance coming to your room that night frustrated and needing to talk. You soothed his nerves and convinced him they were being petty, that they loved each other, and the next day JC made Lance breakfast, and you knew everything was going to be okay.

You remember the day you walked in on them, JC with his shirt off, Lance pressing his lips against JC's shoulder. They flew apart, embarrassed, and you laughed it off and apologized. They admitted they should be more careful and you told yourself that you really needed to learn to knock before walking into rooms.

~

The night Lance found out was a terrible thing.

You were horribly drunk, coming home from a night out dancing with Chris, and you bumped into Lance in the hallway.

You asked where JC was, and Lance replied 'sleeping, he's exhausted' with a glint in his eye. Chris has laughed and you tried your best, but the minute Lance disappeared back into his room your shoulders sagged and you all but ran into your room, trying to lose the mental picture.

Chris did his best to calm you down, saying he hadn't known and that he wished there was something he could do. You poured out the whole story to him, relating a one-sided relationship that extended over two years. You told him about the early days, when Lance had been soft and feminine and you'd taught him how to laugh at himself. You told Chris about your one night with Lance, when it had been heaven and hell all at once.

Chris nodded, looked sad and sympathetic, and then his eyes had moved to something behind you and widened in surprise. You didn't need three guesses to know what he was looking at, and you forced yourself to turn, to face what you knew must be behind you.

The look on Lance's face told you that he'd heard everything, every little secret you had ever hidden from him, and the shock was plain on his face.

You see sadness in those green eyes, but above all there's guilt and shame, and it's that which finally breaks you.

You lash out, telling him to go away, that he doesn't owe you anything, that he needs to return to JC where he belongs. You yell and you think you may be crying, and Chris is trying to calm you down, but you shake him off and tell him to leave too. You can't stand the look of pity in their eyes.

Chris complies, walking out, stopping at the door to take Lance with him. You lock eyes with Lance for a long moment, and then he looks away defeated, and you remember thinking that you really wish Lance would learn to knock before entering rooms too.

~

Everything is chaos for the next little while, with JC and Lance both coming to you numerous times to apologize, but since there's really nothing to be done, a lot of things remain unsaid.

Chris spends a lot of time with you trying to be your therapist, which you're grateful for even though you rarely show it. Justin keeps close to you as well, never mentioning the reason why, though you're sure that Chris has filled him in.

You hate the looks of guilt that JC and Lance give you whenever you're together. You hate that they censor themselves in front you now, not daring to kiss or touch. You hate yourself a little for the strain that you're putting on their relationship. You hate that sometimes you're an ass to JC for no reason, muttering snide remarks because you know JC has always been the easiest one of all of you to hurt.

Most of all you hate that the pain doesn't seem to be going away. You're sick and tired of feeling sorry for yourself.

~

The three of you are awkward as fuck for awhile, trying to figure out how to get back to normal with all truths revealed. You hate so much that they know your feelings so well.

Finally one night months later, Lance comes to you and asks you to please just hit him, or scream at him again, because he says the silence is killing him. You're his best friend he tells you, and there's nothing he regrets more than hurting you.

You try to get angry because part of you wants to hurt him as much as he's hurt you, but there's just no energy left for all of this anger and pain, and finally you just tell him that you're sorry and that you're trying so hard to be okay.

He nods, understanding, and tells you that he misses you.

You know you miss him too.

~

Another two years pass and almost everything changes. Your sound, your moves, the media's attention, everything that needs to make you the biggest band in the world.

Things get much better between you all, and know you're all stronger than ever. The five of you have suffered and survived and you know now that there's very little that can touch you.

You and Lance don't really bond again until you're spending time together during the cold nights in Canada, and on the weekly flights from Toronto to Florida to LA.

You watch Lance work himself to death, determined to be the best, for himself, to make them all proud of him. He opens up to you when you start to ask questions about him and JC.

He's nervous about it at first, not wanting to say anything to hurt you,but in the end, he talks. You admit to yourself that you love the soft expression he has when he talks about JC, so you keep asking those questions.

~

'Girlfriends' come and go, but JC and Lance still go home together every night. You know it's hard on them lasting under such scrutiny, but the love in deep and all encompassing, and you know that they'll fight to the end to remain together.

It's envy for what they share that you feel now, more than pain and jealousy.

~

There's a picture on the wall in your room of the five of you at your first photo shoot together, a constant reminder of how far you've all come.

You are standing beside Lance in the picture, and even behind the smile you can see the fear in his delicate features.

It's the sort of picture that the Lance six years later, the Lance with the confident stride and the wide smile, won't even acknowledge.

You think to yourself, as you tie ribbons in your little girl's hair, that you miss that Lance, the Lance who needed you at first, who had bad hair, and told bad jokes until you pounded good humour into him.

You know you'll always love that Lance a little bit, even if now he seems years and years away.

~

You remember years ago, after Lance had found out, Chris had told you that time heals all wounds. You'd wanted to hit Chris at that point, insulted that he'd try to make you feel better with a stupid cliché.

But that morning when you roll over and feel soft lips against your temple and stubble against your cheek, you have to smile.

You think that maybe in the end Chris was right, so you lean over to tell him that, because you know there's nothing in the world he loves to hear more.

~End