JC feels like a freak, like he's smiling too much, but sometimes he just can't help it. He loves his friends so much that sometimes feels like he'll burst with it. If he stops and thinks, he doesn't feel it when the rest of the world loves them, when they're shiny, silvergolden, glittery. His friends aren't magazine centerfolds and Tiger Beat pinups. If they were, JC doesn't think that he would care as much as he does.

Because of that, Justin is the most difficult to love. He's packaged and perfect, has been for so long. JC worries about him, hopes that he's keeping some sense of who he is exactly, so that when the ride is over things will still be okay. In his more pessimistic moods, JC doesn't think that Justin realizes that the ride will end.

No one else understands it, but JC loves Justin the most when he's sick. When his nose is stuffy and he's coughing, Justin seems exactly like a normal teenager, calling his mother and whining about how his head hurts and all they have is canned vegetable soup. JC always swoops in and pulls the phone out of his hand, reassuring and calm.

Everyone's always glad to leave them alone then, because sick Justin could make a saint cry. JC gives Justin the attention that he needs so badly. He warms soup and plays interminable rounds of Playstation games that he normally hates, making sure in between that Justin takes his medicine. He doesn't like it when Justin hurts, but it does make him more human, and JC can love a cranky, sulky Justin better than a glossy, model perfect one.

JC loves Joey when he feels fat. In his fat zone, Joey wears huge soft clothes, and tries to curl in on himself, like he can reduce his total mass if he folds it in enough. He cooks vast amounts of homemade italian food, and feeds it to everyone but himself, while he nibbles at celery sticks and ignores the fact that he's eaten more than an entire meal by tasting while he cooks.

When Joey feeds him homemade wedding soup, JC always tells him that he might just propose marriage if he could have this soup every day. Joey smiles and ducks his head, because he doesn't seem to understand how gorgeous he is when he's bigger.

JC thinks that Joey is soft and comfortable and more than a little loveable and tries to show him, tell him. When Joey's wearing his grey t-shirt and three sizes too big sweatpants, JC likes to crawl into his lap, petting his hair and singing to him. He's always inspired to sing things like "I Second That Emotion" and "My Guy". Joey in his fat zone just screams out for Motown.

Lance seems to love Joey in those moods, too, and JC sometimes watches their secret smiles and is envious. But he loves Joey and gets to sprawl on him and he generally tells himself that it's more than enough.

JC has loved Lance since he was a little kid, or what seems like one now that they're all grown up and those early days are so long ago. He started loving Lance when he was homesick, lost and so lonely that his too pale skin looked almost translucent. It's not so easy to feel the same way about Hollywood Lance.

He's the one that makes JC saddest, makes him feel like singing "Fallen Angel" and forcing Lance to really listen to the words. Sometimes, when he listens to Brett Micheals wail out "where's the girl I knew a year ago", it's enough to bring tears to JC's eyes, because he doesn't want to lose Lance, doesn't want him to slip away into the fast lane and forget about the people who love him.

Every once in a while, though, he'll see Lance looking lost and insecure, and they'll sit and Lance will tell him things. The truth, even, because Lance is always truthful when he's afraid. When the slick false front drops, JC realizes that he can still love Lance, even if he isn't the kind to be cuddled and petted.

Still, when JC is being honest, he knows that he loves Chris the best, the most, the hardest. It couldn't be any other way. Chris is the only one who really knows what the world's like outside their glitter. Sometimes JC sees uncertainty in the depths of his eyes.

Chris rails at the confinement of being homogenized, seems to think that if he bounces hard enough, expends enough energy, he could jump free of their gilded cage. When the energy runs down, it's JC who's there to catch him, soothe him with kisses and whatever else he needs.

He doesn't think Chris has seen much softness in his life, because when JC touches him, he always looks startled, like being touched with love is both shocking and new. The nights when JC gets to hold Chris, watch him relax into sleep are his favourites.

It's easy to love, JC thinks, once you get past the pretense.

~end~