Bringing Down the House
by glassapple

~..~

Bringin' da noise
Bring down the house

~..~

"What?!"

Joey covered his face with his hand and winced as Chris's voice, already at an earsplitting pitch, ratcheted up a few decibels. Across the table from him, JC was staring determinedly at a pencil.

"Are you out of your mind, Bass? What the hell kind of drugs are you on?!" Chris bounded across the hotel room, intent on checking Lance's pupils. He leapt over a slightly stunned Justin and reached his hand up to pull Lance's face down to his level. Lance knocked it away.

Joey slouched down in his seat.

"Just shut the fuck up, Chris, and be ready to go at seven." Lance turned and stalked out of the suite, tossing over his shoulder, "And wear a suit, we're going someplace nice."

Chris gaped at the door for a long minute, his ears slowly turning purple.

"That fucker thinks he's taking me out on a date!"

Joey groaned and slumped further in to his seat. JC reached over and patted his back.

~..~

"Okay." Justin shoved his fingers through his curls and pointed at the door to their suite. "What just happened there?"

Justin, Joey and JC had evacuated out into the hallway as Chris's curses became more colorful and physically impossible.

"Well, see," JC shrugged, "Lance and Chris have a... complicated relationship."

Justin waved a hand at JC and cut him off. "Yeah, yeah, Chris is a freak and Lance is a cold bastard, and they think we don't know they're sleeping together. We know this."

"Hey!" Joey protested, "It's not like that, exactly. I mean, it is, but. That's not all of it."

JC nodded. "It's more like Chris was courting Lance."

"And Lance got sick of waiting. So he asked Chris out."

"More like told him they were going out."

Justin's eyes narrowed. "What, you knew he was going to do that?"

Joey threw his hands up. "Not exactly, but yeah, I had an idea that Lance was up to something. He's had his 'resolve' face on for the last few days."

Inside the room, it suddenly became very quiet. The trio glanced at the door and then hurried down the hallway to the elevators.

"Down to the bar?" JC suggested.

Joey stabbed the down elevator button. "Is it open?"

"Do we care?" Justin peered back down the hall over his shoulder.

"Good point."

JC watched the elevator doors split his reflection in half. "I think he's mostly pissed off that Lance beat him to the punch and actually asked him out. You know how Chris gets when things don't go the way he planned."

Justin nodded. When Chris had a plan, you didn't fuck with it at all. Otherwise he went right off the deep end.

~..~

The tour bus rumbled over the highway, and Joey wasn't entirely sure where they were. It was just getting light outside, and he could make out the signs a bit easier as they passed. They were now two weeks and five 'dates' into Lance and Chris's acknowledged coupledom. The first date had been a disaster, not that that was much of a surprise. Chris had dressed in a suit, fully expecting that Lance had tried a bit of ol' reverse psychology on him and they were really going to go to some beach blanket bingo thing, and thus would be showing up in a pair of cutoffs.

Lance had counted on that and showed up in a suit and tie and took him to some overpriced Italian restaurant that Joey highly disapproved of. The attempts they'd made to go on dates since then had been met with varying success.

"You do realize that someone is going to die before this is over, right? And that it's probably not going to be you, right?"

Lance spared Joey an amused glance over the screen of his laptop. "You make it sound like the end of the world there. It's not. I promise."

"For me? Probably not," Joey agreed. "You're still acting normal, even if you've obviously gone insane. JC and Justin however are trapped on a bus with Chris. Who according to JC's last report, was alternately talking Justin's ear off about his 'feelings' and threatening to kill you if you 'spring a ring' on him. Which I'm not sure I want to know about."

Lance laughed. "It's not bad. Y'know the proposal thing he's been doing?"

Joey nodded.

"He was acting a dick the other night, going on about how we lacked defined goals and boundaries and God knows what else, and I told him if he was that concerned, I'd go get a ring and propose to him at the next show. I wouldn't, of course," he added nonchalantly, as Joey burst into laughter, "but it's damn tempting."

"Oh, God, the look on his face!"

"Exactly."

"Still, I don't think Justin's gonna make it."

~..~

Chris actually instigated the next date, having seen a series of billboards for a miniature golf course from the bus window and insisting that if Lance really loved him and really was serious about this dating thing, they'd go play miniature golf. It was after all, he'd argued, a time honored tradition to take your date to the local course and try to impress them by sinking a shot through the windmill. Lance, for reasons of his own, agreed to go.

Accounts varied, but the general consensus was that by the fifth hole, with a backlog of approximately four thousand people behind them waiting their turn (give or take a few thousand,) Lance had lost his patience with Chris's 'helpful' suggestions on how to hit the ball and shoved him into the mini-moat. Pictures were taken and eventually ended up in such glamorous magazines as Entertainment Weekly and the National Inquirer, but thankfully no one managed to catch the choicest quote:

"If you think I'm ever gonna sleep with your sorry, control freak ass again, you're out of your fucking mind!"

~..~

After that, things were perhaps scarier than they'd been before they started dating. The two of them went out of their way to be pleasant to each other. They complimented each other in interviews. They occasionally left thoughtful little gifts in each others bunks.

It was almost like they were dating. Except for the actual lack of dates, sex and seemingly requisite bickering.

JC shuddered and made veiled comments about pod people and Stepford Wives. Chris smacked him.

"We're just trying not to let it get weird, " Lance tried to explain to them. "For the group."

"This went beyond weird a long time ago," Justin informed him.

~..~

Lose your mind
And let your body take control

~..~

They were in the middle of Kentucky when Justin suddenly had an urge for a blue Mountain Dew slurpee. He'd heard about it on a 7-11 commercial and decided it was something he absolutely needed to have after the show. And that Joey should go with him, which is why JC found Joey standing outside the Quiet Room with Justin practically on his shoulders, post-show hyper and howling that he needed caffeine, and right now.

"Hey, yeah, that sounds good. I just wanna get my..." JC pushed open the door to the Quiet Room and then slammed it shut, throwing himself against it.

"What? What's the matter?" Joey dumped Justin onto the floor, laid a palm on the door and started to push JC out of the way.

JC shook his head frantically and hissed, "Lance. Chris!"

Justin stared at him uncomprehending. "Lance and Chris are what? They're fighting? Talking? Fu- oh." His eyes went wide and he stepped back. "They are?"

JC nodded as Joey wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led him down the hallway.

"It's gonna be okay, C."

"I'm scarred, Joey."

"I know, C."

"I love Chris a whole lot, Joey. But that was something I didn't need to see."

"I hear they do wonderful things with electroshock therapy these days."

"Look into that, will you?"

"Justin! Get away from that door!"

Justin hurried down the hall to join them.

~..~

Joey managed to avoid Lance until the next morning when he came staggering out of the bunks for a cup of coffee.

"So. Lance."

"Joey." He raised an eyebrow at him, expectantly.

"...sleep well? No. Wait. Um. I meant-"

Lance laughed. "It's okay. C slammed the door pretty hard. We're not that oblivious." He took a gulp of coffee and set the mug on the counter. "I don't think. Anyway, it's cool"

"Ah. Good. Good." Joey looked around the bus. "So. Does this mean you guys are dating again?"

"Yep."

~..~

Justin tackled Chris as he was getting onto the bus.

"Hey, Chris-"

"It's just sex, Justin," Chris yelled over his shoulder as he hurried toward his bunk.

~..~

They could hear Lance's voice shrill across the parking lot. "What the hell do you mean 'it's just sex', asshole?!"

"Lance.."

Justin winced. "I didn't think he'd react this badly."

JC squinted up at the sun, shielding his eye with his hand. "You thought he'd take this well?"

"Well. I . No! I mean, I thought they. Um."

"I see."

"I'm your fuck-buddy?!"

"I didn't say that!"

"No? Because that's what I heard from Justin. And I know you tell your best friend everything..."

"Oh man." Justin began to bang his head against the side of the bus.

"God dammit, Lance, I just wanted Justin to fuck off for a while. I love you!"

Things got very quiet after that.

~..~

Joey found the ring tucked behind the Spaghetti-Os.

Lance found Joey staring at it dumbfounded at the kitchen table.

"Um."

"Just promise me one thing, Lance."

"Joey-"

Joey held up one hand. "One thing. You're not going to propose to him onstage."

Lance squirmed.

"You're insane. You know that, right?"

"It's not like anyone would take it seriously, you know. It's not like anyone will know. And we've done stuff like this before."

"Yeah, but. You'll take it seriously. You'll know."

"Yeah. Well. That's kind of the point."

~..~

Lance took to carrying the ring around with him and flashing it at Joey at random moments and grinning at him as if he was waiting for Joey to dare him to give it to Chris right then.

After Joey caught him juggling it in his hands during a taping of TRL, he became convinced that Lance was trying to kill him. JC thought it was adorable when Joey told him so that his passing on was not a complete surprise to the group.

~..~

"Okay. So I'm having more trouble with this than I thought I would."

Joey rolled over in his bunk to find Lance staring at him expectantly. "Uh-huh." It couldn't have been more than 7 in the morning.

"Because, I keep trying to give him the ring. There's all these moments that are just perfect. But. I can't." He sighed and his shoulders slumped down next to Joey.

"Mm."

"And it's not that I don't love him. Or, um, that he doesn't love me, because, well. Because. That's not a problem."

"Good to know." Joey stretched and sat up.

Lance leaned against Joey's shoulder. "I don't know what to do," he mumbled forlornly.

Joey put an arm around him and squeezed. "Lance?"

"Yeah, Joe?"

"You're trying too hard. It'll happen."

Lance sighed and grinned weakly. "I know."

~..~

Back in Orlando and in the middle of the final show of the tour, Joey felt unusually tense. Home again, home again, jiggity jig, Joey's mind kept singing. The last part of the tour had progressed fairly smoothly, the only major incident happening when Chris started teasing Justin about taking Mandy Moore to the MTV awards, (nevermind that it had been a favor to Chris to begin with,) and Justin had given Lance a black eye when he tried to jump Chris. Which obviously wasn't good, but it could have been worse.

Lance still hadn't given Chris the ring. Or if he had, Chris wasn't wearing it. Joey'd been checking.

Joey headed for his mark onstage when he he felt a tug on his jacket. Lance stood behind him with a bright, mischievous look in his eyes. "What?"

Lance grinned widely. "I'm sorry, Joe."

Joey's heart sped up. "Sorry about what?"

"I'm sorry that I'm gonna have to break my promise to you." Lance patted his shoulder sympathetically and dashed off toward the stage.

"Break what promise? I. Oh." Joey's mouth worked. "No. I.. LANCE!" He chased after him and ran into the wings just in time to see Lance pull Chris from where he was introducing the next number to the center of the stage.

"Oh, man," He muttered as he watched Lance drop to one knee and whip out the ring.

"Happy endings?"

JC draped himself over Joey, nipping his chin over Joey's shoulder so he could whisper in his ear.

"Yeah. Just."

"Hm?"

"Promise me you'll never do that." Joey gestured to where Chris was mock contemplating taking the ring to the enjoyment of the clearly enthralled audience.

JC giggled. "I promise I'll never propose to Christopher Kirkpatrick."

"You know what I mean." Lance was apparently alternately begging Chris to accept his proposal and giving him the cold shoulder.

"Yeah. I do." JC nipped his ear. "I promise."

Chris ran up to Lance and plucked the ring out of his hand and slipped it on his finger. The crowd roared as he triumphantly held it up for their inspection.

Justin stumbled into the wing, looking slightly mussed. "Sorry! Sorry! What happened?"

Joey chuckled and tugged JC up on to his back. "Happy endings for everyone. C'mon."

~end~