Kaleidescope
by Emmy

I see a man who thought you loved me
You played me like a fool
but I see right through you

JC's mind was like a kaleidescope, a mass of tumbling colours. Nothing ever looked the same from moment to moment. He tried to explain it over and over, why he could never seem to hold onto a relationship.

Every single time, he believed that it was absolutely right, that whoever it was would stop the colours from blurring and looking even prettier if they were tilted just a little differently.

Lance was always midnight blue to JC. His navy was softer than anyone else would imagine, but masculine too. He was the oldest 17 year old JC could picture, but somehow innocent. JC thought that it would be enough.

Lance was the first to knock on his door, way back when, and JC taught him the little bit that he knew. They discovered the rest together, laughing and exhilarated.

JC thought that he might hate himself forever when Lance walked in on him fucking a groupie, a tall dark guy who barely spoke English. Fucking didn't require a German/American dictionary.

Lance was quiet for days. He'd been wide eyed and hurt at first, but he was stronger than anyone thought and he knew what was right. He was furious, throwing things and yelling "You couldn't just break up with me?"

JC said "I'm sorry" because he knew he was supposed to. He knew what was right too, and fucking around on his boyfriend because someone shimmered golden and beautiful wasn't.

Lance wasn't the kind to throw hissy fits, so things were calm after the first few days. He was done, though, shutting the door firmly and softly in JC's face.

~..~

What'd he do to take you
Does he freak you the way that I do
Cuz you know that I know how to

Joey was the rich dark burgundy of the wine JC was learning to love. Looking at Joey always cheered him, made his toes curl with deep jewel tones.

They got drunk together one night, and it started the most uninhibited month of JC's life. He'd worried about Lance, but Joey assured him that there were no hard feelings. Surprisingly, it appeared to be true.

When he was panting, seconds away from a toe curling orgasm, JC was positive this time was for keeps. Joey left him smiling every time, laughing in glee when JC curled onto his side and slept.

JC didn't intend to hurt Joey, not when he was getting fucked every single way he'd ever dreamed of. Then there was a slender boy who looked at him and made JC's head hurt with pink sparkles.

It was only supposed to be a blowjob in the bathroom, but JC wound up fucking him against the bathroom wall. Joey noticed that their last condom was gone, something JC hadn't counted on.

He didn't say "I'm sorry" this time. Joey found Lance almost too quickly, and JC thought that the blue and burgundy mixed well, even if it made him lonely.

Justin shone a sunbright yellow, so incandescent that JC couldn't look away. He was suspicious though, a far cry from Lance and Joey. When he kissed JC for the first time, washing away the doubts about their age difference, he nipped JC's earlobe and whispered, "I don't share."

JC didn't want to share him either, not when Justin made pretty whimpering sounds when he came. An hour later, he'd be arguing with JC over some production nitpick or who should sing lead on a certain line. The contrast took JC's breath away, Justin's brightness spellbinding and perfect in its beauty.

JC behaved perfectly for months, looking away from colour and shine even when they blurred together into icy rainbows. In the end, it was a short boy, a soft pearl grey, who was his downfall.

It started as a simple conversation and ended in loud furious sex. JC didn't try to hide it from Justin, even thought he couldn't meet Justin's eyes. He didn't want to see the grey streak into the blue and remind him of his mistake.

Justin said "I told you." And JC nodded, avoided him until they could touch again without bright hot sparks between them.

JC knew that Chris was aware of everything that had happened, knew about Lance and Joey and Justin. He couldn't stop seeing the wash of red that surrounded every movement that Chris made, couldn't help reaching out to touch him.

One night, when Justin was visiting Lance and Joey's bus, because he said, "They're calm and their bus smells good." and JC knew it was because Joey had homemade lasagna, JC couldn't keep his hands off Chris. They were curled up, watching a movie and being quiet, for once.

At first, Chris just enjoyed being touched. JC thought that maybe people didn't find their way through Chris's prickles easily, but he knew exactly how to pet Chris's hair. It wasn't until he leaned down and kissed the space where Chris's hairline met his temple, that Chris realized.

JC thought that Chris looked almost magenta when he stood up and asked JC calmly, "Are you absolutely fucking crazy?"

JC shook his head.

"I'm not doing that. No fucking way, dude. You're like my brother, C, but you're a fucking slut. I've seen this Lifetime movie and I'm not signing on."

JC said "It could just be for tonight."

Chris snorted. "Not fucking likely. Have you looked at yourself lately?"

JC touched his face, quiet and surprised. He got up and walked over to the mirror, but he just saw his same old tired reflection looking back.

Chris shook his head. "You don't see it. But I don't know if I could..." And then JC sat down next to him, and wanted to touch him, wanted to run his fingers through the glow and sparkle that was Chris.

"I could be different with you, I think." Chris shook his head, but JC scooted under his arm, saying "I could promise you?"

Chris laughed, but it was a short sharp bark of laughter that tasted like ashes to JC. "Jayce. You can make me a hundred promises, and unless they involve me screaming when you fuck me, you'll break them."

JC wanted to explain to Chris that it was different, that he wanted to prove that it would be okay. Everyone else was proving it to him, that they were enough. This time, he wanted to prove it to Chris that he could remember, through all the colours and rainbows.

Chris gave in, like JC knew he would. He saw the defeat on Chris's face, and he wanted so badly to make it fade away.

He lasted longer than he'd thought. It was four months until the delicate apple green of one of their roadies made him faint with wanting. He thought that he'd just fall a little, just one little mistake. Then Chris smiled at him, almost trustingly and he couldn't meet his eyes.

Chris knew, just like JC thought that maybe he wouldn't.

Chris was the matte black of apathy and it drove JC insane. He was used to Chris's violent outbursts and manic temper, and Chris damped down was nothing short of intolerable. JC didn't think he'd loved the others like this, because waiting for the end hurt badly.

Chris walked around calmly and quietly, just looking at JC every now and then, the chill in his dark eyes black and considering. JC wished that things were different, that he'd remembered this time. JC didn't think that Chris would forgive him, and he regretted that, but he also feared the eventual explosion.

Chris sat beside JC, sprawling out comfortably. "I didn't ask for you to love me."

JC looked down.

"I just asked that you not fucking lie to me, like you lied to them." Chris sighed a little, and that made JC feel even worse. "I just asked to know if you were going to fuck around."

JC shook his head. "I don't want to anymore."

"The point is. You did, and you will again." Chris laced his hand through JC's and leaned in to lick his neck. When JC shuddered, he said "We're going to try this again. My way."

It turned out that Chris's way was an open relationship. They were together, but they could sleep with other people. No actual going out, what JC still liked to call dates, but anyone that they could just fuck was fair game.

Chris said "It's better like this, see. Because then you don't have to worry about it. Just tell me and whatever you do is fine. Same goes for me though." His face looked more blank than anything.

JC knew that other people had open relationships. It was just, he didn't see it working for him, let alone him and Chris. He tried to talk to Chris about it, saying "But you'll be jealous, I'll be jealous. It's just, it's not right".

Chris didn't say anything more than, "If you want us, then this is how it's going to be."

JC wanted their relationship to work out, and he thought that it was kind of Chris to give them another chance. He just wished that his second chance didn't involve Chris sleeping with other people.

That night, Chris accepted Joey's halfhearted invitation to go clubbing for both of them. JC didn't want to go, but he wanted Chris to be happy, so it was VIP lounges and watery drinks. Those two things would have been fine, if not exactly pleasing, were it not for the skinny, alternative boy that was laughing down at Chris.

It felt worse, somehow, that Chris didn't seem to be waiting around, getting comfortable in this strange open space. JC kept wanting to swing his arms around, like they'd be lighter than before, float upward on the lack of restrictions. Instead, he stared miserably as Chris leaned in and whispered something in the kid's ear.

JC could feel Joey's eyes on him, and he closed his eyes for just a second. He hoped that when he opened them, Joey would look all hazy and perfectly burgundy again, but JC saw just plain old Joey. Over Joey's shoulder, he caught Chris's eye. All Chris had to do was jerk his chin down and JC understood. He didn't want to watch them go to the bathroom.

He said miserably, "I want to go home, Joe." and watched as Joey's face darkened in comprehension when he turned around and saw the boy lick at Chris's neck, while Chris had his head tilted back laughing.

Joey moved to get up. "What the fuck does he think he's doing?" His hands flexed when he stood. "I don't care what you did, he shouldn't be fucking with you."

JC tried to explain. "It's not like that. He didn't break up with me. It's, um, it's an open relationship." He shifted, tried to look around the room, but he'd never been cold about his pick ups, never calculatingly thought 'Oh! but that guy would be a good lay.' It was always spontaneous, something he just couldn't resist.

Joey's face crinkled in confusion and JC didn't really want to explain that it was really okay that Chris was getting head in the bathroom. He didn't think that it was, but he tried to make believe, regardless of how unhappy he'd sounded a minute before. He even mostly thought that it worked. Joey wasn't one to question weirdness in a relationship.

Still, it seemed like forever before Chris reappeared, mercifully alone. They left soon after that, and JC didn't know how to say that he wasn't okay, so he didn't. They slept in the same bed that night, tangled up together, and he tried to block the knowledge of what exactly had happened out of his mind.

It was exactly three weeks, four different guys Chris had disappeared with and way too many sleepless nights later, when JC finally couldn't take it anymore. He'd spent the past week trying to hard to see someone else as desirable, but all he could see was images of what might have happened to Chris.

He could feel his hand vibrate if he pressed it down onto his knee, and he thought that if he didn't say something to Chris, he might die of caffeine poisoning. The tremor might have been the movement of the bus, he was willing to admit, but he didn't think it was.

So he said "Chris? Chris!", shocked at the tone of his voice.

Chris slowly walked over to where JC was sitting. When he flopped down beside JC, draping an arm over JC's knee and tilting his head up inquisitively, JC yanked away from him.

"I can't do this Chris. I just. I can't." JC said it all too quickly, but he thought that if he didn't, he'd never be able to. "I'm done. You can do whatever you want, but we can't be together." He wondered if he should feel relieved, but he wasn't, just panicky and worried, upset like never before.

"I'm sorry" he said, even while he thought that maybe it was easier to be broken up with than to do the breaking up.

Chris was just watching him, dark eyes quiet and still, blank like they were before. "Why?"

"I know now. I understand how much it hurts to know, to not know." JC shrugged. "I know you thought it was better, but you should have just broken up with me."

Chris moved closer. "But I didn't want to. I just wanted other people too, not just you."

"It doesn't work like that, Chris." JC knew that clearly, knew that he could even explain why, something that he wasn't used to. "I wondered why you wanted them and not me, what they did to you, what you did to them." He dipped his head down. "I can't handle it."

Chris smiled, and it was such a sunny, happy smile that JC wanted to punch him, felt his hands flex in a convulsive, almost reflexive movement. Chris was up against him again, though and JC was so shocked that he didn't push him away. He didn't remember acting like this when he was broken up with.

"You weren't meant to, C." Chris's voice was gentler than JC could ever remember hearing it be. "You weren't supposed to handle it. You were supposed to understand."

JC didn't know what to say, but Chris was still talking. "You were supposed to understand how much it hurts to wonder why the person you love wants to be with someone else." He laughed. "Lucky for you, the person you love doesn't."

JC blinked. "You didn't?"

Chris shook his head. "Because of you, I've probably got the biggest cocktease reputation this side of the Mississippi." He shifted. "It was a stupid game and it's not right to fuck with you, but you didn't get it before, I don't think."

"I think I understand." JC nodded slowly, and saw a whole rainbow of colours in Chris's answering nod. "I don't think we're okay just yet, but I think we will be."

Chris's hug was fierce, and JC didn't have to doubt anymore exactly how much Chris wanted him, when he said "I hope so. I really do."