Just Don't Tell Me That
by Jae

~..~

Justin asked Chris first because, well, it was Chris, and they spent all their time with each other anyway, and this would be even more time. And besides, Chris was the most fun of anybody he'd ever met. Chris knew fun.

Except apparently he didn't, because when Justin asked him, Chris started laughing. And not in a fun, oh my god I can't believe we didn't think of this before way, but in a not-fun, oh my god I can't believe what an idiot you are way.

"What?" Justin said.

"Yeah," Chris said, in a tone of voice that meant exactly the opposite. "Yeah, I'm gonna sleep with you, J. For fun."

"What? It would be great. It would be fun."

"No," Chris said. "No, it absolutely would not be fun."

Justin said, "What? I'm fun. I'm very - why?" and his voice cracked on the last word and that set Chris off again.

When he recovered, Chris said, "Baby. Baby. I'm sure you're very fun in bed. I'm sure you're a fucking carnival ride. It's not you."

"Oh, it's not me, it's you?" Justin said nastily.

"No," Chris said. "It's not you, and it's not me. It's you and me together. That would not be fun."

"Why?"

"Cause it'd be - it's all extremes with us. Either we'd fall in love and live happily ever after and move to Vermont and have a commitment ceremony and adopt sixteen multi-cultural children and make everyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with us want to vomit with the cuteness, or else we'd break each other's hearts and it'd be all bleak and miserable and full of sturm und drang and we'd make each other and everyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with us want to slit their wrists. Those are the only choices, baby, and neither of them are fun. There's no middle ground with us."

"There's not?" Justin said. "Are you sure?"

"Well," Chris said. "There is -" and Justin sat down in his lap and kissed the corner of his mouth happily. Chris shoved until Justin fell onto the couch next to him. "There is," Chris said, "and it's this." He threw an arm around Justin's neck. Justin tried to squirm away, but Chris held on until Justin gave up and flopped against him. "Friends. That's all the fun we're gonna have."

"Okay, fine," Justin said, and he tried to make it sound pissy, but he let his head fall against Chris' shoulder and Chris grinned at him. Friends was pretty fun.

JC was his number two, because Justin had a feeling that sex with JC would be pretty fucking fantastic. And JC could be fun, sometimes, on alternate Tuesdays, in his weird drifty JC way. Besides, Chris had told Justin once that JC had a theory about promiscuity, and that sounded promising.

JC had a theory about promiscuity, all right. It involved pagan rituals and goddesses and some sort of ancient cult and sacred initiation rites and long, long before JC was done talking about it, Justin had decided he was never having sex with anyone ever again. Especially JC.

Then JC moved closer to him and put his hand over Justin's. JC's skin was soft and warm and Justin could see a light brown triangle of skin where JC's shirt had fallen open at his throat. And it wasn't like Justin would have to hear about JC's theory ever again, and he'd already sat through it once, after all. He might as well get something out of it.

"But Justin," JC said, "I could never sleep with you."

"What?" Justin said, and JC slid even closer and put his hand on Justin's knee.

"It wouldn't be fun for me. I'd be too worried. It's just, we're so close, Justin, like brothers, really, or something more than brothers, something better, and we know each other so well and we've shared so much, and I just couldn't. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if we ever did anything to risk that. You're just - you're much too precious to me. I love you too much."

Justin tried to smile, because what JC was saying was really nice, after all, but he thought he might not have been too successful, because JC slid even closer and put his arm around Justin's shoulders. JC smelled like the beach on a sunny day. "Don't take it personally, J, okay? If you look at it the right way, it's a compliment, really."

Justin said through gritted teeth, "Thank you."

If it had been a year ago, Lance wouldn't have even made Justin's list. But recently Lance had started going out clubbing with Justin and getting drunk and acting goofy and not mentioning schedules or early interviews and just generally being a lot cooler than he ever was before. Besides, Lance had gotten a lot hotter lately. Now Lance seemed like a really fun guy.

He was. When Justin asked, Lance grinned lazily and ran a hand over Justin's stomach and kissed him until Justin was gasping and whimpering. Then he pulled Justin inside and shut the door and made Justin gasp and whimper a lot more.

It was fun, a lot of fun, Lance's hand on Justin's cock, Lance's breath in Justin's ear, and it was even fun after, when Justin wrapped his arm around Lance's waist and tucked his knees behind Lance's and went to sleep. Lance made a great pillow.

It was fun the next morning, too, when Lance made him scrambled eggs and a mimosa and grabbed his ass and kissed him hard at the door.

"This was fun," Justin said. Lance smiled. "So maybe I'll be back tonight?"

"Oh, no," Lance said. He was still smiling.

"What?" Justin said. "It was - wasn't it fun?"

"Oh, it was fun," Lance said. "It was fun. Once."

"But - I know a lot of other stuff," Justin said. "Tonight I could -"

Lance shook his head. "It doesn't matter, Justin," he said. "Once was fun. More than once it'd start getting all mixed up with other things and it'd be all messy and it wouldn't be fun anymore."

"It doesn't have to get all messy," Justin said stubbornly.

"With you?" Lance said, raising an eyebrow. "Believe me, it has to. You can do one-night stands, Justin, and you can do forever, but you can't do anything in between."

"But -"

"No."

"I hate you," Justin said.

"See? Already it's not fun," Lance said, grinning at him.

"I hate you," Justin said again. He didn't, not really, but Lance didn't have to know that while he was busy rejecting Justin.

"I'll see you at C's tomorrow," Lance said, and closed the door on him.

Joey was a fun guy, everybody said that, so Justin wasn't sure why exactly he'd left Joey for last. Maybe it was because with Joey, there had been so many girls. So very, very, very many girls. Of course, there had been a lot of boys, too, maybe not three verys but at least one, maybe two. Maybe it was because of Kelly, although Justin knew that Joey and Kelly had broken up a long time ago, months before Brianna was born. Maybe it was because Joey had never looked at Justin the way Chris and JC and Lance all had, watching Justin change his clothes or move through the choreography, their eyes heavy with a slow hungry heat that made Justin bend over a little farther or thrust his hips a little harder than absolutely necessary. But there was no point in thinking about it. Somebody had to be last, of course, and it didn't really matter why it was Joey.

Justin waited until one night after a show when they were all buzzing with energy and there were about eight hundred girls waiting outside the venue but they all looked fourteen. They were in bumfuck Iowa and there wasn't anyplace good to go to dance or drink, no place at all but a strip club where the strippers might as well have had "I have Access Hollywood on speed dial" tattooed on their foreheads.

Justin had on his tightest jeans and his sexiest smile and nothing else when he knocked on Joey's door. "Fun, huh?" Joey said, and he looked Justin up and down with a slow hungry heat that made Justin's skin spark and simmer. "Okay," Joey said, and hooked a finger in Justin's belt loop and pulled him inside with a dirty, dirty grin.

Joey had a dirty, dirty mouth to go with his dirty, dirty grin, and a dirty, dirty voice. He pushed Justin onto the bed and stripped his jeans off him with dirty, dirty fingers. "Oh, fun," Joey said as he licked the inside of Justin's thigh with his dirty, dirty tongue. It was fun, it was fun, it was funfunfun, Justin thought he'd never had so much fun in his life, and he opened his mouth to tell Joey so but all that came out was, "JoeyJoeyJoey."

Justin thought maybe he should leave after, because Joey might not think it was so fun to have Justin around all night, but Joey grabbed his wrist and tugged until Justin was lying with his head on Joey's chest and his leg tangled between Joey's. Joey rubbed Justin's head sleepily. "Fun," he said, and closed his eyes, and Justin said, "Joey," and closed his own. Joey made an even better pillow than Lance.

Justin thought of Lance in the morning, too, and didn't say anything when Joey kissed him at the door. "So you gonna be back tonight?" Joey said, his hand slipping over Justin's hip. "You wanna do it again?"

"Sure," Justin said breathlessly. "That'd be fun."

It was.

It was fun, it was fun, it was funfunfun. It was fun because it was Joey, Joey, right there on tour with him Joey, and all Justin had to do was knock on his door and Joey was right there again, right there pressed up against him, his dirty dirty tongue already pushing into Justin's mouth. Every night, whether they were doing the show or at a club or just messing around in his room with Prince on the stereo, Joey's eyes were on Justin, watching him with a slow hungry heat that made Justin shake it a little harder than absolutely necessary.

It was fun, it was fun, it was funfunfun. It was fun because it was Joey, Joey, hot sexy great in bed Joey, and Justin had known that all along, known that Joey was hot and sexy and guessed that he was great in bed because, after all, so many satisfied customers couldn't be wrong. What Justin hadn't known was that Joey was so dirty. It was fun because Justin could ask for anything, anything at all, things he'd never said before or even really thought the words for, and Joey would grin at him and sometimes laugh but he'd do it, and mostly he'd even done it before and knew a way to do it better. Joey had his own list of things he wanted, too, dirty dirty things, things that made Justin hard and hot and even sometimes just a little scared, just a little, just enough to be funfunfun.

It was fun, it was fun, it was funfunfun. It was fun because it was Joey, Joey, good old known him forever Joey, and on top of everything they were friends, the same as always. Justin had worried that maybe it would be different, but it wasn't. Joey still smiled and winked at him at breakfast, same as always, just as if he hadn't tied Justin's hands behind him the night before and pulled him back into his lap and held his thighs apart and whispered in his ear, just whispered in his dirty dirty voice, telling him exactly what it felt like when he was inside Justin, until Justin was squirming and panting and begging for Joey to do something, anything, but most especially exactly what he was whispering in Justin's ear. Justin could still lean up against Joey and sleep with his head on Joey's shoulder in the car on their way to interviews, he could still sit on Joey's lap and throw his arm around Joey's waist, because they'd always done that, that was the same as always. It didn't mean anything except that things were the same as always. Joey was still Joey, good old known him forever Joey, and Justin could do anything with him, Justin could tell him anything.

Almost anything.

Joey had Justin laid out across the bed, his hand holding up Justin's knee, his mouth on Justin's nipple, licking and biting and dirty dirty, and it was fun, it was fun, it was funfunfun, and Justin opened his mouth to tell Joey so, but something else came out instead. Joey lifted his mouth from Justin's body. Joey let go of Justin's knee. "Oh, baby," Joey said, and it wasn't his dirty dirty voice, it was his normal voice, his regular voice, his same as always voice, "don't tell me that."

Justin shook his head, because heat of the moment, he didn't mean it, heat of the moment, they weren't about that, they were about funfunfun, and he opened his mouth to tell Joey so, and he said, "I love you." Again.

Joey sat up and put his head in his hands for a moment, then turned back to Justin. "Justin," he said, "don't tell me that."

Justin didn't. He lay on the bed and watched as Joey pulled on his jeans and walked out the door. It wasn't fun at all.

It wasn't fun the next morning either, when Justin stared down into his cereal bowl so he wouldn't have to see Joey not looking at him. Joey mumbled something and left quickly and Justin looked up to see everybody watching him and he looked back down again and it wasn't fun at all.

It wasn't fun when Chris sat next to him on the floor to watch cartoons. Chris shot him quick concerned glances and then sighed and sighed elaborately and then just started poking Justin until Justin told him what was wrong. "Ah, J," Chris said, "J," and it wasn't fun at all.

It wasn't fun when JC came into his room that night and sat cross-legged on the bed and looked at him with wide sad eyes. JC curled up around him and rubbed his back and hummed in his ear and told Justin his theory about love, and it wasn't fun at all.

It wasn't fun when Lance stopped him in the hallway the next morning and said, "I told you so," in a voice that was soft and sympathetic. It was so soft and sympathetic that Justin felt really bad when he punched Lance in the face, and it wasn't fun at all.

It wasn't fun when Joey grabbed his arm and dragged him into a corner before soundcheck that afternoon. Justin tried to pull away, but Joey was strong, as strong as Justin, and he wasn't letting go, so Justin stopped pulling and stood still and looked down. Joey let go of his arm. "Justin," Joey said. "I've been thinking -"

"I know," Justin said. "I know, I know, and I'm sorry. It's all my fault, we weren't about that and I shouldn't have said it and I'm sorry. I won't tell you that anymore."

"Maybe I could tell you," Joey said. Justin looked up and into Joey's eyes, Joey's warm loving same as always eyes. Joey reached out and traced the line of Justin's jaw, let his fingers slide up over Justin's mouth. Justin smiled.

Joey told him.