Deuces Wild (2002)

Directed by Scott Kalvert
Starring Stephen Dorff, Brad Renfro, Fairuza Balk, Norman Reedus.
Tagline: Before Gangs Had Guns... They Fought With Guts

Wax: So, I have this memory that it begins with some Dorky Voiceover by Our Brad.

You know, not to belittle the evil influence of drugdealers and so forth, I'm not sure they're forcing kids to shoot up. Getting all personally vindictive at some scumbag selling dope seems somehow... futile. Of course, I may be biased cause the drugdealer is Marco, the Gay Gangbanger.

Rossetti: It really isn't Marco's fault the drugs are bad-- (oohh, silk shirt) I mean, Marco can be blamed for selling drugs at all. But, y'know, you can't be blamed for having bad shit. You just get a reputation as having . . . bad shit.

But how lame is it to make an antidrug gang movie? It's got this really preachy feel.

Oh my god!!! Norman is supposedly the BIG BAD. With his silk shirt! The hair gel! It's too much!

Yeah, he's not very scary. He's just really kind of... Well, I expected him to break into song at any given moment.

What is with the cheesy music, man? I can't even listen to the exposition.

everything's free in Am-e-ri-ca!

Oh my god, these accents are SO BAD and stupid. Stephen dorff does look good.

For this movie, I was actually pretty happy about Norman's inability to do accents. Cause his was really mostly not there.

Can i fast forward through the scenes without Norman?

NORMAN!!! Wants a beer and a nice piece of ass!

Since he's been the nice piece of ass for a few years.

He's sick of being the bottom, man.

He's going for that catlike evil vibe. I can dig.

I think I have to rewind to see Norman in jail... did they wax his chest?

I don't know. That would be kind of funny, though.

God, these accents are bad.

Aren't they? They sound like donkeys braying in chorus.

They all went to Bad Accent School... oh, my. Bricks! Crushing! These are the good guys? Not a great way to introduce your good guys.

Yeah! Brad's such a BRAT! His brother should kick his ass.

Also, beating up on a deaf kid? Stupid. Also, he has STUPID tattoos.

Marco is much smarter than the good guys. Also, gayer.

Stephen has respect for his momma! That is CRUCIAL for a good guy. Though, he does have good tattoos.

It's cause he's the cool, doomed good guy. Whereas Brad is the slightly uncool second fiddle who'll live to tell the tale.

I kind of wish Stephen would kill Brad. Because I don't feel like dealing with Brad at all.

Dude, this is Brad's movie. You're just gonna have to.

Nononononono!

Think happy thoughts, think about the antagonistic sexual tension between Leon and Marco. It's thick. Very thick.

But it has brad in it.

So far, would you say it's worse or better than Beat?

Worse or better than Beat is hard, man. They both suck a lot in different ways. But, hey, here's fairuza balk.

She's usually interesting, but here she's just really annoying. And I'm going like, Jesus, they deserve each other, but I'm not sure I deserve it.

God, this is hard to watch. How long is this movie? Over an hour?

Annie the ICE CUBE?! WTF!

That's a really clever nickname there, boys.

Oohh, Brad's talking about killin'! He thinks he is daaaaaangerous.

He's sorely mistaken.

Her boyfriendish guy! Err - brother!

Balthasar Getty. Balthazar? Balthasar? Hum.

It's a panoply of second string actors who are typically minorly slashy!

I always get him mixed up with Liev Schreiber.

The brother DOES DRUGS! I think this is Liev, though. Isn't it?

No, I'm pretty sure it's Balthasar. They look exactly the same, hough.

[imdb sez] Balthazar Getty as Jimmy Pockets. So, it's with a z and it IS him.

Jimmy Pockets? Oh dear god.

Oohh, i have a feeling Norman's coming up! The war is about to be rekindled! This is tension: when shall Norman appear on screen!

Probably not what the filmmakers were intending.

Mmm. Norman is deeply intimidating, even when, y'know, in jail and with black hair.

Oh yeah. He's doing his psycho act. It's all in the eyes.

Also, when they start shooting right beneath his hairline: even more intimidating. Oohh, he's working the eyebags. Wow, well done! Intimidating!

He has sort of an unrelenting stare. Creeporama!

OK, boring people pretending to be italian.

Blah blah blah not-Normans everywhere. Norman, though, looks more puerto rican than Italian, I feel. Maybe it's because of the West Side Story flashbacks I keep having.

Stephen just inherited himself a Frankie Muniz.

Frankie is really kind of a little freak, isn't he?

He really is.

Norman will get out of jail and up the badassness on the block by 100%!

You know what would make this movie complete? That guy from Roswell, the one with the shaggy hair, playing one of the gangbangers. Then it would be the best bad movie. Especially the best bad 50s gang movie.

Aww, Stephen's got his dyed blonde waiting for him. CHIANTI!! a fake-ass bottle of chianti. Jesus, I'm fast forwarding. Het kissing, man, ew.

Well, you'll miss a bunch of Stephen Dorff's hairy chest. Maybe you can deal.

I can definitely deal. There's some breaking of arms going on here. I'm not quite sure. I'm fast forwarding. Would Marco just get out of prison already?

He's gotta serve his time, build his anger. Now, from what we know about Leon, we won't believe he actually snitched on Marco. So that's that piece of tension out the window. Or down the drain. Maybe both.

Slow shots of gangs walking through misty - and now lightning! - warehouses!

Those are really unscary gangs. I'm like, so not impressed.

Coitus interruptus.

Always! Poor Stephen, I'm not sure he ever gets properly laid, cause someone's always knocking on the door. He must have a hell of a boner to squeeze into his pants.

NO MORE FAKE LIGHTNING! I can't handle it! Also, turn the fog machines off!

Slow mo run! Catch up to your boyz! Blah blah blah fighting

Not gonna catch up if he has to run in slow mo.

Unless Marco shows up during this fight I'm just fast forwarding. OK, now he's running in real time, and that's how he saves his brother.

Marco shows up later. In a rather spectacular fashion, actually. Well, after some gabbing about plot stuff.

That boring plot crap

Yeah, what-eva.

Stephen's all slow mo again. Not in a good way.

They're making the movie LONGER by adding slow mo!

Stephen's mom's drunk and doesn't look old enough to be his mom. Bad casting. He looks older than she does.

Ew. Flashback to finding his brother dead. I hate needles. Do NOT pull a needle out of someone in front of my eyes.

MARCO!!!!! Oh, wait. That was just a flashback.

I'm all, 'petpet... Marco will come, don't worry. He'll be there.' But I remember sitting around waiting for him for ages, too. But it's not like waiting for Godot! (It's probably more boring, for one.)

Poor, tortured stephen. Idiot Brad.

Hot, absent Norman.

And stupidly accented Fairuza

NORMAN SHOWS UP! NORMAN! Norman and a cigarette! Oohh, he is intimidating. He has another neck tattoo. I like.

That's good casting, yo. I mean, they did their best to make him look really non-threatening, what with the whole showtunifying get up and all, but it didn't stick. He's still skeeeeeery!

Seriously - if gay eyebrows and groomed hair wasn't an attempt to non-threaten him, I don't know what was. The thin lips are really working for him here.

He's just looking pretty damned great, and I have to say he's the only motherfucker in this movie who does. Everyone else has just BAD hair, bad everything. Even Stephen. The hair on Stephen, not working for him. And period movies are usually so pretty!

Nothing on Brad working for him.

Brad's not really working. And he sounds like a whiny snot.

All the time I saved in fast forwarding I'm now losing in watching Norman scenes more than once. You know what makes Norman so gay? He's so well groomed. He's not normally well groomed at all, really. And the excessive care given to his appearance, here, emphasizes the gayness.

Usually he looks like he'd be really hard pressed to come up with the definition of 'groomed'. Plus, Marco struts. He struts like a drag queen in the Babylon.

He really does. He struts a LOT

I don't know what they told him. "You're bad, now STRUT." But it's not really... bad. It's just gay.

It's because Norman was half miscast. He's better as the non-strutting psyhcopaths. His brashness and intimidation comes off as . . . gayness and intimidation. He's better at being quietly evil.

He's kind of a slouching type, not a strutting type.

Ooh, Marco taunting. Marco in leather with his little knife! Waving his liffle knife! God, he's wearing the leather shirt of gayitude. This is another Bad Movie To Watch Only For Norman. The dialogue is SO badly written. Did he just actually say 'ain't nobody going to stop us now'?

He probably did. The screenwriters were quoting pop lyrics.

The big evil is the drug dealer? That's the best they could do?

They're tipping over the fresh produce

That's how you can tell that there ain't nobody gonna stop them now, you see. They're attacking the tomatoes. And no one can do NOTHING!

NO MORE PASTA SAUCE!

But watch out for some eyefucking coming riiiight up.

Man, none of these shots of Norman in front of the blazing car make a good screencap. Heh. Blazing car.

He's blazing, too. Flaming! Flame on, Marco, flame on.

Eyefuck.eyefuck.eyefuck.eyefuck. Wow, there's some serious fucking going on here. ::rewind::

Sexual tension you can cut with a knife! With Marco's gay little knife!

Leon's all conflicted about going after Marco

It's symbolising his struggle with his gayness.

Leon doesn't trust girls, get it?

Marco doesn't seem to have that many issues, though. Alas, he's a one-note scumbag made interesting only by Norman's wacky gay charisma.

'You know what they do to tough guys like you in the can? Pass you around like a dirty magazine' Aww, Marco's all upset he had to bottom for three years.

He's really willing to give some back.

Poor kid. It's just sexual frustration. Give him some Leon to work it off.

They can fight and fuck some, get all their needs in one convenient location. You know what, though? I think Stephen Dorff may NOT be a foot taller than Norman! I think, in fact, that he's shorter. Stephen Dorff is a really tiny little slip of a guy.

This movie really sucks. Even Norman's dialogue is painful to listen to. I mean. . . . look at that script!

See, I don't think that any Norman character would go around just intimidating. He wouldn't get out of jail then throw his gayness around. He'd just kill someone.

But Matt Dillon's got him on a leash.

Oohh! Non-Liev sold Marco out! Oh, poor Marco. He's just a drama queen.

Yeah, and THAT's a storyline destined for no-go-ville. Hmm, or is it? Maybe I just nodded off. Now I can't remember, maybe Marco does kill non-Liev. But I have this vague memory of going, 'so what about non-Liev?'

Blah blah blah Brad and Stephen talking.

Yawn.

Slow mo down a church. Don't DO that. Am I only two third through? Wait! Marco with no shirt! Oh no. Wife beater. Sigh.

Tagline: Before gangs had guns... they fought with guts.

No - really? Really?

Now I just had an image of Marco strangling Whiny Brad with his own guts. Ahh, such a satisfying image. Although I guess that's not what they meant.

Dude, Debbie Harry is in this too!

She's Fairuza's mom... Twenty minutes. I can make it.

Norman's trying to hit on a girl. 'I just want something sweet in my mouth.'

. . .

Then he hits her. Sublimated aggression. Icky girls.

And rapes her, for kicks. It's Leon's girl, of course.

Wait - he does? Sublimated aggression, obviously. But, man. Ew. That's going too far, man.

Well, he's a badass just outta jail.

Also, he thinks that Leon put him there... and if they were, y'know, lovers...

... he'd be a bit ticked off.

The pacing of this movie is way off

Yeah, and Stephen is treating his traumatised girl like shit.

Yeah, man. He's more concerned with Marco.

See? Your reading is spot on. They were so lovers before Marco started dealing.

In my world, every good guy isn't automatically against drugs.

Norman was really skinnied out for this movie. His facial structure even looks different, man. I'm impressed.

The hair is doing a bit, like, making his face sharper.

Ahahahahaha! Licking his fingers. Gaygaygaygay. Norman is having SO much fun with this scene.

Dude, Fairuza looks good with a knife. Even if she doesn't look good in any else of this.

Can I get through ten more minutes?

What are we going to say about this movie, man?

"It sucks, Norman is gay, the end."

Marco has his swagger. My god, does he swagger. Screencapping cannot do justice.

The swagger in the big scene where they walk to the docks! That's just unbelievable! Shake your little tush on the catwalk, Marco!

They do fight in slow mo. Wtf?

NORMAN! NOOOOOOO!!!

You knew it had to happen.

KILLED WITH HIS OWN GAY LITTLE KNIFE!

Give the devil his due.

OK, this ending is really stupid. Really really stupid

flash ::black :: flash :: black :: flash :: black. Blah blah blah blah.

I mean, of course it was... I don't even know what to say. It was just bad.

I think I'm going to stop, since Norman is gone.

Yeah, whatever. Leon dies, Brad gets the fuck out, the end.

Trite ending

A more fun ending would have been, hmm. Oh, I can't think of anything.

It was, honestly, better to just see the one pic of Norman than it was to watch this movie.

I'd rather see Beat again, really.