Journal entry - 4/2/01

So you've finally managed to clear your desk of all intrusions, interruptions, distractions; all you're left with are your own thoughts and ideas. And your dreams - you have plenty of those, with a wealth of material. If you could only mine them, you'd never go begging for inspiration again.

Okay, so maybe there's still one distraction. But you can hardly be blamed for it. After all, the glammed-up, schmoozing version of Lance would be distracting to anyone. You just wish you were distracted for different reasons. Everyone else seems fascinated by the glitter and sparkle oozing suddenly out of him; you just wish he would go back to being soft-eyed and innocent, the way you fell in love with him.

Why did he have to go and change? You ask yourself that all the time. He was perfect like he was: open-hearted, wide-eyed, trusting. Why did he feel he had to turn into someone else?

Oh. Yeah.

He changed because you made him. All of you. You did everything but get down on bended knee and beg him to be the one to deal with the outside world. No one else wanted to argue with management first thing in the morning. No one else wanted to keep track of the bus' mileage so it could be matched against the driver's logs later on. No one else wanted to keep up with two Rolodex's worth of contact information on bookers, venues, radio stations, and anyone else the band came into contact with. No, you and the guys gladly left all that up to Lance. So, really, you have no call to be surprised he took all the know-how and information you forced on him and made something for himself out of it.

And, really, you shouldn't be surprised that when his creation went big-time, he did too. You know you've all changed as the demands on you changed. All of you became bigger, better, badder versions of yourselves. Maybe that's why it hurts so much to see Lance following the trend: he held out the longest. He held on to his true personality longer and better than any of you. The rock of tranquility in the middle of stormy seas - he clung to that place fiercer than anyone.

Sometimes you felt like you were only anywhere near that island of peace because he was there first, reaching out to you. When he let go, that was it...you were lost, gone. You don't know how to get back there without him.

You need him to be him so you can be you.