I've got to stop thinking about him. There are faxes to fax, copies to copy...people to hit up for money, for Chrissake, and I can't get my mind off him.

He sits in that office, just yards away from me, for hours at a time. I don't know what he's doing - brooding, mostly, I guess. Every time I come up with an excuse to go in there - "Here, boss, sign this." "Should we take this client?" "Coffee?" - he's just sitting there...sitting.

I know he's thinking about the Prophecy. And about her. Why he would want to waste his hard-earned eventual life on her, I don't know. But her name practically came springing off his lips when Wesley gave him the good news, and it's pretty obvious he's busy plotting how to make sure she's still around when the Blessed Event comes.

All this despite the fact that she rips him up to itty-bitty shreds every time he sees her. I'm really, really glad I was out of town last time she came to L.A. When Wesley told me what she said to Angel, I wanted to fly to Sunnydale on bitch-fury alone and rip her whiny little head off. She has no idea of the hell he's going through down here.

But I do. I sit here, day after day after day, listening to him pace around his office, dreading the next vision that will not only make my head hurt like a mother-fucker but will also send him out to do battle, possibly to his death. Because he'll go. No matter how dangerous and pointless and stupid the mission is, he'll go. I mean, not that saving someone who needs help is stupid, but it would just suck if he got offed trying to rescue some rich fucker from a dumb-shit demon who didn't know any better.

Every time he goes out there to fight the big scary forces of evil, I'm scared he's not going to make it back. I'm scared because he's my boss, and I need the paying job thing. I'm scared because he and Wesley are the only family I have down here, and I frankly don't think Wesley can carry off the job alone. I'm scared because...go ahead, say it, Cordy, be honest with yourself for one fucking time...because I love him, and my heart stops beating for just a second every time I imagine what my world would be like without him.

I can just imagine what he would do if I told him. The sad look, the pity creeping into his eyes, the kind pat on the head as he tells me that his heart and his future are already promised to someone else. Well, fuck that, and fuck him. I'm still going to love him just as hard as I can. He can think it's sisterly love all he wants, just so long as he doesn't leave me.